A ballad not for Matt Talbot

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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-04-08 05:19 PM

I found my God,
as Matt Talbot
had once done,
wrapped within the chains
of his own vesicle desire,
stretched along a nerve
an all ragged and wincing child
like crow wings flapping
or vassal chains
clanking their arcane approval.
With an eviction
on its tongue
the homeless winds
above howl
wreck a savage prayer
in its lung as it
drives me on.

Old gin drown
Matt Talbot
He was a penitentiary.
If only my motive were that true,
my agony not a ecstasy…..
for the beast I am
my swain course and bruised
in the boundary of scorn,
All of you, you too
rebel to morning
final and so damning.
This punishing it may be
the purification for love,
pacific and true.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2002-04-09 01:26 AM

Historical references on Matt Talbot if there are any??

K

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

2 posted 2002-04-09 01:42 PM

Matt Talbot was a famous alcoholic in Dublin who found religion and punished himself for his drinking by wearing chains on his body.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2002-04-09 10:52 PM

Ohhhhhhhhhhh...exciting...he should've worn a hair shirt...(I have a 'thing' for those, sick freak K heh..)

I think you need to work with your punctuation more buddy..

'the homeless winds
above howl
wreck a savage prayer
in its lung as it
drives me on.'

liking that...but I wonder about the short sentences...somehow, they ring wrong to me...that could just be my fascination with long sentences in my own writing though, so I won't offer that as a definite criticism..

'If only my motive were that true,
my agony not a ecstasy…..
for the beast I am
my swain course and bruised

ho-hum...it's hmmmmm...lacking somehow...but I love that part that follows it..

Overall, grim concept and I like it. Almost something necessary, and something many can indentify with.

good jobbies..

K

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

4 posted 2002-04-21 04:38 PM

Hi brian,

I've skimmed through a couple of your posts, and this one seems the best so far, so I thought I'd repy to it. This has a lot of potential, but I think it needs some editing. This might be just my personal preference, but I think there are too many adjectives. It makes it seeem a little melodramatic and interrupts the sincere emotion I feel in other parts. For instance, from "wrapped" to "approval" in the first stanza. You have some nice images here, but they are all thrown together in such a long phrase I don't have time to appreciate each one. It's sort of a stream-of-consciousness or free writing feeling, and that's okay in short bursts, but it becomes too much to handle or something when it contnues too long. Does that make sense? I get the feeling you have a lot to say (which I can relate to) and you want to say it all in one instant. But I think it would be even more powerful if you could be subtler and simpler about it. Ultimately, my personal theory is, it should not be about the fancy words you choose but the emotion you get across to your reader.

Those are my thoughts, and I hope they've helped. Feel free to disregard them if you don't think they help with the poem you want to write. As I said, this has potential, just keep at it.

Ashley

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