okay.  this was good.  just a little touch up here and there.
"no ones" should be "no one's"
to make it flow better the line: "a world I can’t bare" could be "a world i cannot bare" it just gives the line a little more for the reader to chew on.
get into this one.  this has potential for extremo greatness.  show the reader what this world is all about and let them know how you feel!  get carried away with it! sometimes overreacting gets the message all the way through.
and i think you can do it.
as always,
good day...
_rae