»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
of ants and kings (as opposed to knights and kings)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
of ants and kings (as opposed to knights and kings) |
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia 
|
Ants crawl continuously, often contiguously in an industrious, orderly pre-ordained pattern of existence within their pre-determined social structure. I don't know if they rant, though they sometimes get fired up a bit and bite. Kings rule, not always without their own prejudices, 'tis true, but 'tis generally smarter for the longevity of the teeming masses to follow the King's rules whilst in his castledom... especially when said Kingdom feels like a safe sanctuary, a welcome second Home to most all who wander into its hallowed grounds. Ants and Kings each have roles to play, and once the rules of the gameboard are in place, it's wisest to play the game accordingly. * |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Kathleen Kacy Stafford - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
arcCP New Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 1 |
You lost me on the second stanza It's good to keep it simple You don't need to use "'tis" |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Thanks for reading this. As for that 'tis comment? 'tis true.  This was written Tongue In Cheek, as an 'ant rant' Of course that explanation is 'obtuse' unless read in the proper context. I apologize, literally, for any confusion. Welcome to Pips! and thank you for putting up with me  |
||
|
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
 'tis true! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Midnitesun, I hope after all that has been said you are not insulted if I take the time to look at your poem and comment. Despite my recent examples I really am usually quite gentle and harmless. I guess I'm really compelled to because of recent events and the relevancy of the topic...and who thought nothing good would come of all this...BEHOLD, A NEW POEM IS BORN!!! No one can accuse me of not being dramatic. "Ants crawl continuously, often contiguously in an industrious, orderly pre-ordained pattern of existence within their pre-determined social structure." I loved the opening stanza. I wouldn't change a thing. "I don't know if they rant, though they sometimes get fired up a bit and bite." Again, another great stanza. "Kings rule, not always without their own prejudices, 'tis true, but 'tis generally smarter for the longevity of the teeming masses to follow the King's rules whilst in his castledom..." This is where I feel the poem begins to weaken. It might be just a personal opinion of mine but I believe that in poetry its often best left to show the reader rather than tell. For example, maybe you could swing the poem this way: Kings rule, not always without prejudices and ants are sqaushed, not always without fault but tis generally smarter for the longevity of the masses to remember a king has feet and ants live underfoot (or "beneath them" or somthing to that effect) which makes them subjects of he who is prone to frequent walks. The above isn't meant as a rewrite only as a suggestion to help you consider other options available for this poem. "especially when said Kingdom feels like a safe sanctuary, a welcome second Home to most all who wander into its hallowed grounds." Personally I felt that if you rework the previous section you can probably incorperate this message into the poem without the extra words. "Ants and Kings each have roles to play, and once the rules of the gameboard are in place, it's wisest to play the game accordingly." I really liked the ending however if I may make one suggestion. Perhaps instead of directly stating "gameboard" you could use a work around it thereby making the reader think of game rather than telling them game. And if you were to make such a change then perhaps you should consider chopping the second last line out so it reads as: "Ants and Kings each have roles to play, and once the rules are in place, it's wisest to play accordingly." I think "roles to play" and "play" in the second last line is enough of a reference to it all being some sort of game. Maybe also consider changing the first "play" to another similar word or even dropping "to play" altogether from the second line allowing the sole "play" at the end to work in the idea of a game, for example: "Ants and Kings each have roles, and once the rules are in place, it's wisest to play accordingly." Anyways, all this is just my opinion, there to take or discard. It was an enjoyable read and interesting take on things. Thanks, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (06-10-2003 09:32 PM).] |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
LOL, I am on my way out the door to work, just came in the door 5 minutes ago (from horseback riding) so I'll simply say, HEY, I'll be back later to read this reply. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-11-2003 01:23 AM).] |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I said earlier that I'd be back. It's be-back time, so here goes. Would it surprise you to know I really agree with most of your suggestions? Probably not. I wrote this entire piece in a matter of seconds with only half a lid open due to sleep deprivation, so I'm actually delighted there were so MANY lines you enjoyed ala dumpster carte. LOL. Anyway, I probably won't change a thing, because I am notoriously lazy when it comes to repairing my broken poems. But thanks for the critique. You never know...I just may come back in here and take the vacuum to this one, or the mop if I get overzealous. I'm mostly a spontaneous combustion case though, which is why I never post here. BTW, where the stanzas bog down and get sloppy? That's what happens whenever I get didactic and my feeble mind attempts to 'splain and spell things out for the reader. Tsk tsk. I ALWAYS bury myself at that exact point. PS, I forgot to thank you for the poetic inspiration! You no doubt recognized the theft of the ants/king metaphor from one of your own replies. I simply took it from there, though I didn't work it to its logical end as a proper ant would have. And the final BTW, I do understand about goop, caulking, envelopes and seals. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-11-2003 06:36 PM).] |
||
|
o. forrest cain Junior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 17West Virginia |
Very engaging. Good suggestions from Trevor and definitely worthy of a little polishing. Look forward to more. forrest |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Thanks, Forrest. And welcome to Pips, it's nice to meet new people in here. I really do like most of Trev's suggestions. Who knows, I may come back and re-write this one. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
The first stanza reminded me somewhat of Ogden Nash's take on ants, but took it beyond that. However, I thought the poem kind of nose-dived after that point, almost as if you were trying to force meaning on too grand a scale. I would encourage you not to be "notoriously lazy," because almost all poems need repair if they are to reach their full potential. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
hello Kirk!LOL, thanks for the sugggestion/advice. I almost forgot about Nash, its been years since I read him. Yep, most if not all of my work needs a pinch or a pull, if not a blow torch. This thread was mostly a knee-jerk reaction to Trevor's notorious machinations, and proves my knees are out of alignment some days. Now that all this BREW HAHA is out of the way, maybe we can get down to some serious writing and critiquing. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
