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Critical Analysis #2
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Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
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Gaia

0 posted 2003-06-10 02:33 PM



Ants crawl continuously,
often contiguously
in an industrious,
orderly
pre-ordained
pattern of
existence
within their
pre-determined
social structure.

I don't know if they rant,
though they sometimes
get fired up a bit
and bite.

Kings rule,
not always without
their own prejudices,
'tis true,
but 'tis generally
smarter for the
longevity of
the teeming masses
to follow the King's rules
whilst in his castledom...
especially when
said Kingdom
feels
like a safe
sanctuary,
a welcome
second Home
to most all
who wander into
its hallowed
grounds.

Ants and Kings
each have roles to play,
and once the rules
of the gameboard
are in place,
it's wisest
to play
the game
accordingly.


*

© Copyright 2003 Kathleen Kacy Stafford - All Rights Reserved
arcCP
New Member
since 2003-06-10
Posts 1

1 posted 2003-06-10 02:51 PM


You lost me on the second stanza
It's good to keep it simple
You don't need to use "'tis"

Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
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2 posted 2003-06-10 03:05 PM


Thanks for reading this. As for that 'tis comment? 'tis true.

This was written Tongue In Cheek, as an 'ant rant'
Of course that explanation is 'obtuse' unless read in the proper context.

I apologize, literally, for any confusion.
Welcome to Pips! and thank you for putting up with me

Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
3 posted 2003-06-10 06:57 PM


'tis true!

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 2003-06-10 09:26 PM


Hi Midnitesun,

I hope after all that has been said you are not insulted if I take the time to look at your poem and comment. Despite my recent examples I really am usually quite gentle and harmless. I guess I'm really compelled to because of recent events and the relevancy of the topic...and who thought nothing good would come of all this...BEHOLD, A NEW POEM IS BORN!!! No one can accuse me of not being dramatic.

"Ants crawl continuously,
often contiguously
in an industrious,
orderly
pre-ordained
pattern of
existence
within their
pre-determined
social structure."

I loved the opening stanza. I wouldn't change a thing.

"I don't know if they rant,
though they sometimes
get fired up a bit
and bite."

Again, another great stanza.

"Kings rule,
not always without
their own prejudices,
'tis true,
but 'tis generally
smarter for the
longevity of
the teeming masses
to follow the King's rules
whilst in his castledom..."

This is where I feel the poem begins to weaken. It might be just a personal opinion of mine but I believe that in poetry its often best left to show the reader rather than tell. For example, maybe you could swing the poem this way:

Kings rule,
not always without prejudices
and ants are sqaushed,
not always without fault
but tis generally
smarter for the
longevity of
the masses
to remember
a king has feet
and ants live
underfoot (or "beneath them" or somthing to that effect)
which makes them
subjects of he
who is prone
to frequent walks.

The above isn't meant as a rewrite only as a suggestion to help you consider other options available for this poem.

"especially when
said Kingdom
feels
like a safe
sanctuary,
a welcome
second Home
to most all
who wander into
its hallowed
grounds."

Personally I felt that if you rework the previous section you can probably incorperate this message  into the poem without the extra words.

"Ants and Kings
each have roles to play,
and once the rules
of the gameboard
are in place,
it's wisest
to play
the game
accordingly."

I really liked the ending however if I may make one suggestion. Perhaps instead of directly stating "gameboard" you could use a work around it thereby making the reader think of game rather than telling them game. And if you were to make such a change then perhaps you should consider chopping the second last line out so it reads as:

"Ants and Kings
each have roles to play,
and once the rules
are in place,
it's wisest
to play
accordingly."

I think "roles to play" and "play" in the second last line is enough of a reference to it all being some sort of game. Maybe also consider changing the first "play" to another similar word or even dropping "to play" altogether from the second line allowing the sole "play" at the end to work in the idea of a game, for example:

"Ants and Kings
each have roles,
and once the rules
are in place,
it's wisest
to play
accordingly."

Anyways, all this is just my opinion, there to take or discard. It was an enjoyable read and interesting take on things.

Thanks,

Trevor

[This message has been edited by Trevor (06-10-2003 09:32 PM).]

Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
5 posted 2003-06-10 09:30 PM


LOL, I am on my way out the door to work, just came in the door 5 minutes ago (from horseback riding) so I'll simply say, HEY, I'll be back later to read this reply.

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-11-2003 01:23 AM).]

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
6 posted 2003-06-11 01:17 AM


I said earlier that I'd be back. It's be-back time, so here goes.
Would it surprise you to know I really agree with most of your suggestions? Probably not. I wrote this entire piece in a matter of seconds with only half a lid open due to sleep deprivation, so I'm actually delighted there were so MANY lines you enjoyed ala dumpster carte. LOL.
Anyway, I probably won't change a thing, because I am notoriously lazy when it comes to repairing my broken poems.
But thanks for the critique. You never know...I just may come back in here and take the vacuum to this one, or the mop if I get overzealous. I'm mostly a spontaneous combustion case though, which is why I never post here.
    

BTW, where the stanzas bog down and get sloppy? That's what happens whenever I get didactic and my feeble mind attempts to 'splain and spell things out for the reader. Tsk tsk. I ALWAYS bury myself at that exact point.

PS, I forgot to thank you for the poetic inspiration! You no doubt recognized the theft of the ants/king metaphor from one of your own replies. I simply took it from there, though I didn't work it to its logical end as a proper ant would have.

And the final BTW, I do understand about goop, caulking, envelopes and seals.

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-11-2003 06:36 PM).]

o. forrest cain
Junior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 17
West Virginia
7 posted 2003-06-14 05:59 PM


Very engaging. Good suggestions from Trevor and definitely worthy of a little polishing.
Look forward to more.

forrest

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
8 posted 2003-06-15 02:34 PM


Thanks, Forrest.
And welcome to Pips, it's nice to meet new people in here.
I really do like most of Trev's suggestions. Who knows, I may come back and re-write this one.

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
9 posted 2003-06-17 01:27 PM


The first stanza reminded me somewhat of Ogden Nash's take on ants, but took it beyond that.  However, I thought the poem kind of nose-dived after that point, almost as if you were trying to force meaning on too grand a scale.  I would encourage you not to be "notoriously lazy," because almost all poems need repair if they are to reach their full potential.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
10 posted 2003-06-17 03:39 PM


hello Kirk!
LOL, thanks for the sugggestion/advice.
I almost forgot about Nash, its been years since I read him.
Yep, most if not all of my work needs a pinch or a pull, if not a blow torch.
This thread was mostly a knee-jerk reaction to Trevor's notorious machinations, and proves my knees are out of alignment some days.
Now that all this BREW HAHA is out of the way, maybe we can get down to some serious writing and critiquing.

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