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Critical Analysis #2
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a distant war on affection
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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a distant war on affection |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
an new one. This is set during WW1 in London. An autumn dawn awakes once more the current of the Thames. Burgundy ripples swirl against the riverbank, as if enchanted by the finch's prelude. Such was London's spell upon him on his early morning tour, that a hesitation was exorcised from his soul and replaced by the popular purge of patriotism. At first his resolve had been stubborn against the flow of war. Content with life, he nurtured his widowed mother who ailing at the time, was the only escaping the desire to love that neighboured beauty. How he had timed those melancholic walks to catch a glimpse of her melodic body waltzing from the cotton factory. How his face blended with emotion when she spared an inquisitive look that pierced his longing spirit. And how his contented life was stolen as she shared a white flower delivered through a contemptuous eye. His own glazed with the moment. But sitting at Hyde Park upon a creaking Bench, his thoughts were lost to the subtle beauty of a few fallen leaves, striving to glide back to their parted branches. "Ought I join the war in France, and like those severed leaves reunite myself within her arms?" His thoughts tormented, driven by the desire to enact the dreams that screamed for poetry to make its spell complete. And so his thoughts left him on a platform at Waterloo. Besides an enrolment officer sealed his fate, with the promise of adventure, and the words "You'll be back by Christmas lad!" |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
More than a few cliche's; More than a few misspellings. When wayward meter trips the tongue, as in this piece, line breaks alone can't turn it into poetry. Sid |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
haha, I see no clear cliche` i'm afriad. And i might be wrong, but i can't see any spelling mistakes either. could you be more constructive? [This message has been edited by daniel_martin (06-15-2003 01:01 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
First of all, it's "a" new one, not "an" new one awakens, not awakes. "dawn awakening"=Cliche' "that a hesitation was exorcised from his soul and replaced by the popular purge of patriotism." Here's the first place the tongue trips up. You're trying so hard for imagery, that you end up overdoing it both metaphorically and metrically. "nighboured beauty" Improper use of a word, unless it's colloquial in your part of the world, in which case I'd be willing to apologize. Otherwise, it's a poor descriptive term. Not sure what you meant to convey; neighbor...as in "adjacent"? "face blended with emotion" Cliche' "life was stolen" Cliche...whether contented or otherwise. "as she shared a white flower delivered through a contemptuous eye. Unclear how a flower can be delivered "through...an eye," "contemptuous" or otherwise, or what you're really trying to convey in this line. "...creaking Bench," cliche' "...the subtle beauty of a few fallen leaves, striving to glide back to their parted branches." This is the most creative line in your whole piece--along with "and like those severed leaves reunite myself within her arms?" Actually quite lovely. If you could build the rest of your metaphors as clearly as you did here, I'm sure you'd have no need to ask for critical analysis. Especially from this amateur. "enrolment" is misspelled All in all, as I implied before: Remove the line breaks and you could post this on a Prose Forum, where I'm sure it would fit in very nicely. Sid |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
that's funny, for the part you considered sound is what i consider most cliche`. you are being pedantic on the first stanza, it is not grammatically unsound and does work. in WW1, there existed no conscription, so the force was built up of volunteers. This was a social expectation to join the war and protect your king and country, thus if a man of age was suspected of not being enrolled in the army, one was presented with a white flower, a symbol of cowardice. neigboured beauty... i can see what you mean, but at the same time it makes sense to me, and no one else has suggested otherwise all in all, i think a lot of the images are verging on cliche` which if you read a little deeper into the poem was purposefully done so. this is a satire. i would say "belded with emotion" is a cliche` ill work on it. once again, no spelling mistakes, my dictionary has no problem with "enrolment" and all in all i tihnk you tried too hard to [edited by moderator] on the poem, other than to add constructive critique.  that's cool with me.my main problem is that you consider this almost prose like. i can quote some wordsworth that you would state similarly, or even some hughs. however, i do appreciate the comment. All critique is good critique as far as i am concerned... as i said, "blended with emotion" will be re-worked. cheers, sid daniel [This message has been edited by Sunshine (06-16-2003 09:47 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Daniel, With all due respect: You asked me to qualify my remarks, and I gave my opinion. It was simply that. I don't pretend to speak for anyone else. Whether I'm seen as pedantic by you or not, it's still my opinion. You're the one who stated that there were no "clear cliche's", nor spelling mistakes. Now you tell me that implied cliche's were intentional? The only thing that gives the slightest hint that this may be a satire, is the final stanza. If you are going to draw even a passing comparison to Wordsworth, you need to study his metric form more closely. It won't trip up your tongue. That's the reason his work is still respected while yours is trying to make it past amateur critics. Sid |
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NickTofteland Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 74MN, USA |
Daniel- I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I agree with Sid on almost all of his points. I have read the poem 6 times now, trying to view it section by section all in different perspectives but I fail to see where the depth of a cliche' passes a simple cliche'. As well, I agree that this would be much more effective as a prose. Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
well, though i could disagree with one sensible voice, two would just be ignorant and obnoxious. I think i'll put this to the side, and leave it as the experiment it was. cheers guys. daniel |
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