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Silent Song
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Silent Song |
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MusicMunkie New Member
since 2003-06-14
Posts 4 |
Silent Song I had walked alone a thousand miles or more Simply just to rid myself of heavy burden bore. And when I finally reached you, on the very brightest morn, My very soul was aching for pieces long since torn. I’d missed you for so long, my love, but, ah, how I remembered, And when I found you on that day, how lovingly you answered. A silent song of sorrow dear, you sang so beautifully, With out a stir, with out a movement, within no earthly boundary. I lay myself beside you, my head upon your chest, And went as you had gone before, into dead, sweet caress. My love, I sang with you that day, that lovely solemn song, And made up for a life time gone with eternity so long. "There is no excellent beauty without some strangeness in the proportion." [This message has been edited by MusicMunkie (06-14-2003 01:56 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
"Simply just to rid myself of heavy burden bore" "Simply" or "just." Both sound redundant. Either word however seems unnecessary in this line "bore" should be borne "And when I finally reached you, on the very brightest morn," This just seems wordy I'd eliminate "finally" and "very" "My very soul was aching for pieces long since torn." This line appears awkward and the rhyme forced. "with out" should be without "And went as you had gone before, into dead, sweet caress." I just don't understand how one goes into dead caress or how death can be sweet. If you must insist on using death to try to convey sweetness, you need to explain it much more clearly than one line would allow. "... gone with eternity so long." It's unclear to me exactly what you're trying to say by adding this to the line. It's unnecessary to define eternity as long. I think I see what you're trying to convey in this piece, but you're overdoing it in your descriptive terms and it's tripping up your meter. |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
Firstly this poem is ridden with cliche`s. this is generally considered a bad thing, for it does not allow the reader to become inspired by original imagery. "I had walked alone a thousand miles or more Simply just to rid myself of heavy burden bore." this such image is very much a cliche`, an image i've heard many times "And when I finally reached you, on the very brightest morn, My very soul was aching for pieces long since torn." when i read this, it sounds like a love song, a natalie imbruglia track, and again it suffers from cliche`. to top this up, it does not make good use of line breaks, which can be used to strengthenrhythm and stress key words, and many modifiers are present. "brighten morn" is one. You could just write dawn. "I’d missed you for so long, my love, but, ah, how I remembered," that old cliche` again. Plus referring to characters as lovve bring an abstractness to the poem which is hard to resolve. "With out a stir, with out a movement, within no earthly boundary." the rhythm seems a little disjointed here essentially, i think you should jjust leave this and run back to the drawing board. You have a good rhythm, most of the time, but you need to get away from the cliche` daniel |
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MusicMunkie New Member
since 2003-06-14
Posts 4 |
Thanks for your advice guys. I appreciate it. I'll agree, I do think it sounds cliched, something I usually try to avoid. Anyways, in the future I'll try to remember what you've said, and also try to make my poetry where it doesn't make you want to bang your head against a concrete block, or projectile vomit, or both. ^__^ Anna |
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