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Critical Analysis #2
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for my younger brother
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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for my younger brother |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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you squinted your eyes and didn't cease even as my figure grew larger in your vision~ you, the image-conscious one who ditched his spectacles ever since, as you confessed in a phone conversation with your friend, that the girls found you more dashing that way we just stood and let the seconds consume the silence between us, for lack of a better thing to do, yet adamant that something be done I did take in your height and body though, wondering how it is for you to look down at me and my puny figure now I never really did that before I finally suggested that we go home and you deferentially walked more than a few steps behind me, all the while stroking your slick centre-parted hair, perhaps as a defense against the agony of talking to me while I asked your shadow when it was exactly that I lost the brother that I taught poker and other assorted stuff |
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| © Copyright 2003 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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spritrider87 Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294NH |
i loved this i have a bro to that has changed alot and he did this in less than a year while i sat there and wondered what had happened to the happy smiling kid that i had taught how to ride a bike and rollerblade. he is now into beating me up and rough stuff like that. but i still remember him as my little bro that is always smiling. ill keep looking for you.  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
My first initial thought - this needs a cull...too many words, far too many. Just look at the first verse for an example - you've loaded so many words in there that you have put a 'that' in (last line) that isn't even grammatically correct... Over all - good stuff that I expect from Another K... like I'm saying a lot lately - I'll be back later for a more indepth look.. hugs  K |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
kaile, I'll leave the critique to those who know. For me the thoughts that connect to your brother are intriguing. You leave me interested in wanting to know more of that relationship... If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
welcome to passions, spritrider87..though i must say i am intrigued as to why you didn't call yourself spiritrider instead  ...thanks so much for sharing your personal experiences...i do hope the beatings you suffered haven't amounted to anything serious? anyway, your account helped me feel a bit less lonelyHi K, and here i was, pleased that i could pack so much detail into a piece  i do see how the stanzas can seem clumsy now, especially my first paragraph and i will look into tightening the whole piece Thanks for your hugs..they were muchly appreciated though i feel that i don't deserve them...i should make attempts to salvage the relationship rather than sit in front of the computer writing verbose verse Congrats on your newfound life too! Larry, thank you for always showing such interest in my work...i feel embarrassed sometimes that you have to suffer through my unpolished prose but thanks for reading anyway and for the encouragement...it means lots! [This message has been edited by kaile (06-02-2003 12:02 AM).] |
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Ford Junior Member
since 2003-05-11
Posts 12Arkansaw |
Marvelous piece of storytelling. There is nothing really here to tear apart. The only thing that I would change is some of the phrasing. Some of your phrases are very long and drawn out. If you tried to find a single word maybe that would explain one of your lines, that might make it an easier read. As it is, some of the lines are a little confusing and cumbersome. Try this for example: Instead of- you squinted your eyes and didn't cease even as my figure grew larger in your vision Try- you squinted your eyes, unrelenting, even as my figure grew in your vision. (You don't really need to say larger, because how else would it grow? Grow smaller? I don't think so. Just cutting back on unnecessary words like that would help alot.) Just turn that over a little bit and tell me whatcha think. I don't really know that much, so if you told me what you think I would appreciate it. Again, great piece of storytelling. I enjoyed it. Well done Ford |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
quote: the "unrelenting" was inspired (which reminds me yet again--i really need to go and improve my vocabulary) and LOL on the "larger" comment...funny the way how things remain obscure until someone else points them out and then they become frightfully obvious.... (please don't say i'm dense)thanks for stopping by and for your comment...your "marvelous" was appreciated and i shall work hard to pare away the cumbersome phrasing in my rewrites... thanks, Ford |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Kaile, I think this has been critiqued well enough by others who know much more than I, so I will just tell you that I very much enjoyed the piece...it was a good prose style poem, in my opinion. I look forward to more from you. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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o. forrest cain Junior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 17West Virginia |
I agree with severn on this one. I will add I found it original and a pleasant read. Well done. forrest |
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