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Critical Analysis #2

A Sonnet to Nicole

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

0 posted 2003-06-09 08:59 PM

Here sits a boy alone and far from love,
Was never kissed, was never missed before.
He never rested, graced in wing's of dove,
And love was nothing but a foolish lore.
But then you came and sat beside me hence.
My eyes were saggy and my spirit spent.
And yet, you came and went, and mended dents,
That at the time I knew not what they meant.
You proved yourself, Nicole, a God-sent grace
From skies above that do not know a God.
For nothing is perfection but your face.
I saw you light the stars with just your nod.
I saw you blow away the cloudy night
While cradling me forever in arms tight.

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harsh critique is encouraged! I want to start a collection of sonnets to my love for her birthday, I want them to be perfect.

thank you for your time.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-06-09 11:40 PM

Ok David, I can't seem to pass up a sonnet. If your goal is to give sonnets to your sweetie then it will work as is. I'm sure she will love it. If you want to perfect your sonnet writing technique then it could probably use some work.

For starters, there is a potential problem with your first line: love is a very hard word to rhyme. The proof of this is line 3 which really sounds forced. By that I mean "wings of dove" just seem to come from nowhere. It is unrelated so appears that you just stuck it in to rhyme with love. A better approach might be to scrap love as an end word; "far from love" sounds a little stilted anyway. Move it to the interior and reword the line for another end word.

Then I find a similar problem in the second quatrain: dents just doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the poem. It might if you could elaborate but I'm afraid you don't have time or space within a sonnet for that. Besides, I'm not really sure hence fits the context of line 5. Finally, although there is probably nothing techincally wrong with the rhyme scheme, I find hence and spent just a little too close, almost as if you were tryng to make all 4 lines rhyme. I know you were not but that is the impression it might leave. Also, I think saggy is not a good word in line 6 in that it sounds a little slangish or trivial in comparison to the rest of the poem. Many related adjectives could be substituted to keep more with the overall tone.

The third quatrain looks really good but I think I would look at the beginning of line 10 or maybe the whole line. "From skies above" seems a little cliche and the whole line, in fact, leaves the impression that you just stuck it in there to meet the requirements of the form. As such, it really doesn't add much. It really isn't bad but I think you can write a better line.

I like your closing couplet but I would find another word to replace blow in line 13. Again, it isn't really bad but just sounds a bit light or trivial in the overall context. The last line is the only one in which I see any kind of metric problem. In order to be iambic it is necessary to stress in over arms. I find that hard to do. In this sense, arms is a more important word than in. In fact, nouns are generally more important than prepositions. I think you can fix that with a ittle work. It really isn't too bad but the couplet is so important to a sonnet that any little flaw just seems magnified many times over.

I hope this helps some. And good luck with Nicole. Remember thouh that this is all JMHO and it is your poem.

Pete

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