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Critical Analysis #2
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Three Christines
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Three Christines |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I sit here Slamming acid shots And listening to celtic beats And think to myself Would this day taste the same? If it was seasoned with hope? Instead of aged seagrams And I wonder Will they be enough? Enough to turn bitterness Into learning Hate into forgiveness And pain into strength And I know in my heart Yes My three Christines Can change anything And most of all They change Me I have only recently tried free verse, So I post this one to tempt Severn for a critique.I have always written in meter, So critique away, tell me where I screwed the style.Teach me something. Jason [This message has been edited by Jason Lyle (06-09-2003 12:59 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jason Lyle - All Rights Reserved | |||
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V. Tomir Junior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 20 |
So sorry Mr. Lyle but there is nothing new or original in this composition. I don't see what Celtic beats adds to the piece. It adds nothing and the whole drunk writer wallowing in his pity over being a **** -heel both in and out of relationships has been beaten to death with a beret. All this leaves me wondering, why after reading this, would a reader care about your poem. Regards. |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
nice poem, however, it needs something more. okay try this. take out so many of the questions and add in more "factual" information or prose, or something more interesting that pulls the reader into the scene of the person downing acid shots. i think it would give more emotion to the poetry and help people understand what's happening here. i hope this is helpful. _rae p.s. you do know someone cares about this poem, otherwise mr. tomir would never have left his classic snide remark. |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
V.Tomir, I can take the critique, its why I posted this here.If had found this to be a perfect and original piece, I would look for a publisher.As stated I posted here to learn what I was doing wrong.I compliment the graceful and compassionate way in which you pointed these things out.  Raevynsbreath, thank you for an honest opinion and good advice.I think it drives not a poet a little crazy when I post raw or unpolished work here.But it is really the only way to get good critiques and tech advice on pip.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
To the contrary Jason. As I said earlier, I have yet to see anyone post perfect poetry here. I, like you, and almost everyone else, post in this forum for feedback, advice and assistance from our fellow amateur writers. Pete |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I know that Pete, I was just acknowledging that sometimes I drop my neediest work here, instead of finished product.I am always thankful for good advice and learning from this forum. Jason |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this could be an interesting idea, but I'm not really sure if I'm reading it right. 'If it was seasoned with hope? Instead of aged seagrams And I wonder Will they be enough?' By seagram's, you mean the beer, right? And by they, are you talking about the seagrams? Or maybe the acid/celtic beats/seagrams? Because later, you say: 'Yes My three Christines Can change anything' Christines... maybe as the archetypal woman? Is that what you meant? Castyping the three earlier escapes into a female name? I am also very intrigued by the number three and the similarity between Christine and Christian. Am I on to anything? |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I really didn't give the reader enough info to get it.Seagrams is a canadian whisky and my 3 Christines?...they are my wife, and two daughters Christine Anne, Jessica Christine, and Lauren Christine. Thanks for the read, and comments. Jason |
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