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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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month of s.u.n.d.a.y.s |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
twas two days a month ago when i felt my heart go cold my mind turned old voice gone bold a month and three days pass each week with a sunday to end how quiet they are twas a week, one day, six hours ago my heart was in your hand bleeding with more life than a newborn child twas a second in a minute in an hour every drop boiling in the water tower this month driving this world crazy animals speaking in tongues only the natives understand well this end is getting near life no more than death to fear i laugh in its face months of sundays come to pass staying strong in winter's wind fighting harder to breathe twas two days a month ago the door was shut against a love in the snow freezing from love that existed no more facing another quiet sunday, alone -i'm unsure about the very first stanza's rhyme scheme. if you have any useful criticism, then by all means, suggest it. thank you. _rae |
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| © Copyright 2003 _rae - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Rae, Although I am a fan of rhyming poetry, in this case I think it distracts. Since you have not followed through in the rest, it just feels a little out of place. Besides that, it really is a pretty common (or easy) rhyme. Yes, I think I would drop it completely. It doesn't really add anything, IMHO. Pete |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
When rhyming, one must follow through. Next, when rhyming one needs definite metrical pattern. This poem wasn't able to grasp either of those poetic tools. I do see some freshness to this work. The author isn't afraid to pull a rabbit out of his or her hat so to speak. But also, it's clear (to me) that the author perhaps is a bit rebellious when it comes to the whole package and its presentation... No caps is a big distraction (to many) and I've found that more often than not, it doesn't end there when one offers suggestions to the author. I'm left to wonder what direction I'll see the author of this poem in the months to come... Reading much the same or a clearer indication (to these eyes) of reading something that shows a better understanding of poetic forms and tools of the trade. Happy writing. Regards, Always Lisa [This message has been edited by Always Lisa (06-09-2003 09:46 AM).] |
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