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Anticipation
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Anticipation |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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anticipation air, thick with impending shame slices through loose window sashes and bony joints. storm shutters clap eardrums into silence. lightening pierces heavy downpours with flashing glimpses of sound in thunderous blasts, unable to keep up with the heartbeat of time and time is slow pulsing molasses, d r i p p i n g rr o o into tom w. My veins protrude with fear of the unlived moment, a fear that is grated into s-h-a-v-i-n-g-s of TICK...tock...TICS, steadfast tremors washing me with torrential rhy'thms of a dance I do not want to dance. Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (05-22-2003 08:42 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Liz, Hi...it's been a long time. I loved the words in this poem, but found the structure, especially the visuals, distracting. Perhaps if you just had one visual...such as the dripping. The poem itself is great...just think you need some restructuring. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really enjoyed this. 'air, thick with impending shame slices through loose window sashes and bony joints.' I had a problem with the image of thick air slicing through anything... maybe seeps into, os something more akin to the description of it? Other than that minor discrepancy, I think this is a really good description. 'lightening pierces heavy downpours with flashing glimpses of sound in thunderous blasts,' Lightening should be lightning here. Normally, I don't think 'glimpses of sound' would really work out that well, but the way you enjambed this makes it work... kind of a choppy continuity, as well as the idea of displaced senses really add to the tone of this. 'unable to keep up with the heartbeat of time' Heartbeat of time seems a little cliche, but 'and time is slow pulsing molasses, d r i p p i n g rr o o into tom w.' is phenomenal. I wonder if it might work better if you just cut out the 'heartbeat' part. BTW, this visual is really neat... dripping or ripping? it's neat how arrangement can play tricks on your eyes... 'My veins protrude with fear of the unlived moment, a fear that is grated into s-h-a-v-i-n-g-s of TICK...tock...TICS,' My favorite part. I just really like your wording here. It seems to me that this was about the anticipation of having a nervous breakdown, or an anxiety attack... or the onset of one in light of different factors. Really neat poem, I liked it a lot. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hi, Liz! I'm not good enough with free verse to critique it.....spelling, though, I know something about. Lightning  |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kris. Thank you for taking the time to comment on this poem. I knew that the presentation was overdone, and I was anxious to hear suggestions on it. I am going to take your suggestion about leaving just one visual in the poem. THank you again for your constructive critique Liz |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Hush, Your critique was thorough and very much welcomed. Thank you for your corrections and suggestions. For some reason I could not get that stubborn 'r' to fall in the right place when I posted it, and no matter how many times I edited, it insisted on moving back to the left. It's supposed to be "dripping", but it wouldn't drip. I meant for "glimpses of sound" to be thought of as the sound associated with the light, as though getting a glimpse of things to come - the thunder. I am going to repost this poem again and see how it looks in the new form. THank you again so much for your critique. It was most helpful. I am not experienced in free verse, Incidenally the meaning of this is having to face up to some wrong doing. And reading down are words associated with that dread - Shame, thought interupted by flashes of sound sound, silence, fear, time, want Liz [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (05-26-2003 10:11 PM).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Balladeer, I also would not dare to critique free verse. I also know nothing about it, but once in a while I take a little dip into unknown waters Thank you for reading Liz |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hugs Liz...not very constructive is it? But well...couldn't see you in here and NOT hug you...it's been too long dear person that you are...  K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Liz, Like Mike, I won't try to critique free verse. But it is great to see you in CA  Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Scaredy cats. Now Pete, I know you've critiqued me, and I very rarely attempt anything more structured than a little slanted or internal rhyme here and there. |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well what have we here? I came in for a poetry lesson and the Queen of Sonnets is doing free verse? All I can tell is your drips dripped, and your molasses seemed slow as I am certainly no critic so will give you a hug and leave. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Lady, so nice to see you trying your hand at free verse. I'm not good with critiques, so just let me leave a note for you that I enjoyed the read, and applaud the stretching of your wings... hugs! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You got me Amy. I am timid. |
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