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jsantos
New Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 1

0 posted 2003-05-28 08:35 PM

All people have people
She has him and he's got her
Each night they look at each other and ask "is everything alright?"
Their lies might come out in the form of "yes my love" but somehow it works.
They know which questions to ask and which to guess.
Questions come to me at 2 in the morning
I am unsure which ones to ask and which to guess.
Notebooks get full from attempts to figure it out.
No suck luck.
So from here on out I'll keep reading and writing, fetching and throwing, hoping and waiting, questioning and guessing
Until [edit by moderator] straight.
I'll crave yet I'll starve
For just a touch or your heart
I'll take whichever comes first.
So each night when you tell your lover "yes",
Know there is someone else just wanitng the chance to guess.

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (05-28-2003 11:35 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-05-28 11:36 PM

Hello jsantos,

and welcome to the forum. Please check out our guidelines and try to comply.

Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-05-30 04:54 AM

Hi.

I like this, I think it could definitely stand a little structural work, though.

'All people have people
She has him and he's got her'

These two lines could probably use a semicolon or something between them.

'Each night they look at each other and ask "is everything alright?"
Their lies might come out in the form of "yes my love" but somehow it works.'

I want to hear more... I think the fact that they ask "is everything alright?" is telling... because normally you don't ask that unless something seems wrong.

If their lies might come out in the form of 'yes my love,' how else might they come? And how does it work?

'They know which questions to ask and which to guess.'

Do you mean which answers to guess, instead of actually asking the question? I think if you just added 'answers' between 'which' and 'to guess,' it would be much mroe clear.

'Questions come to me at 2 in the morning
I am unsure which ones to ask and which to guess.'

Interesting and subtle way of introducing the situation... I like it. Maybe you could emphasize these lines by setting them apart in their own stanza?

'Notebooks get full from attempts to figure it out.'

I don't usually go on the advice that MS word gives me when it tires to change a passive sentence into an active one... but here I thinking something more direct like 'I fill notebooks' would work better.

'No suck luck.'

Such?

'So from here on out I'll keep reading and writing, fetching and throwing, hoping and waiting, questioning and guessing'

Too many 'ings,' and too many verbs right in a row. Why not choose one or two that you are fond of, and elaborate on them a little bit... as is this is a laundry list and weakens an otherwise interesting poem.

'I'll crave yet I'll starve
For just a touch or your heart
I'll take whichever comes first.'

This is kind of weak an cliche... just doesn't strike me.

'So each night when you tell your lover "yes",
Know there is someone else just wanitng the chance to guess.'

While I like this, I think this is a very short poem to have the ideas repeated so many times... it's starting to feel like a hammer. Maybe if you lengthened this you could pull this ending off... but as is it seems a bit obvious.

Hope I've helped, welcome to the forum, and all that jazz...

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