»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Destiny Wars
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Destiny Wars |
|
|
ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Just interested to see what people will say about this....thank you, Liz xxx Destiny Wars Clinking steel, swishing, swooping, snaking, The bloody spear slices through me. Requiem of shattered tranquillity, Tatters of flesh hang from my heart. Beautiful Death cooling the fire in my breast, Lowering my shield, melting my armour, Removes his cloak to reveal Destiny. Psychotic schizophrenic, Spirit of a thousand hidden facets, Enamel eyes, seeing only what she decreed, Opens her mouth in an Opera of metal filings, Slicing through my soul like the spear before her, Pointing to the universal map, showing me my trail. Swaddled in mist, the path fades beyond today. Turning to her in silent pleading, An angel has replaced the demonic fiend. Smiling sweetly, innocent as a babe, Fathomless eyes reflecting my every emotion, Shaking her head in the answer I already know. Wordlessly I limp on, stretching out before me A vast unknown chasm, Life beyond control. Striving to see Light in Darkness’s Reign, Following a Rainbow of Deception, Surrendering self to what must be, Laying down the spear, fighting no more, Twisted armour of false protection remains, Threads of Truth and Filaments of Faith, The Whole waiting at my inexistent Destination. The furious, frenetic fight merely an illusion, Shimmering in the golden spheres of memory, The spear and shield lie half buried in the rust of disuse. The Knight now no more than an ivory conch, Savage seas, swishing over and through and by, Hollowing it out, wearing it down: O Shell indestructible! Carried along by fluctuating tides, Destination Nowhere. "Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~ |
||
| © Copyright 2003 ESP - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
i got lost in this poem, in more than one way. hehe although some of the verses give a vibrant imagery, others do not, and are just verbose for the sake of having expansive words. I would edit this poem, because it's good. my writings |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It left me with somewhat the same imression as David's. It does seem too wordy. Also, although the various descriptions are related, it doesn't really lead anywhere. What I understood was just a series of descriptions. Maybe that was your intent but, if so, I don't think it works here. Maybe a shorter version as an exercise in imagery would work but this reads long enough that I want it to do something more than just show the basic scenery. JMHO Pete |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
