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Ketchum, 1961
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ketchum, 1961 |
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Taco Jonez Junior Member
since 2003-04-04
Posts 22St. Petersburg, FL |
-- Ketchum, 1961 -- In a den rug rolled up to the side The Buck's head just stares forward as a chair tipped over rest over the flow of words and journey's end |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi Taco... Being a fan of short poems I was immediately drawn to this... However, I think there is a certain amount of conflict with your tenses that the poem is too short to accomodate successfully.. 'In a den rug rolled up to the side The Buck's head just stares forward as a chair tipped over rest over the flow of words and journey's end ' The main problem revolves around the middle three lines just stares forward as a chair tipped over rest over the flow of words I find myself analytically wondering if the buck's head is staring like a chair tipped over, or if the chair that is tipped over is resting over a flow of words (flow of words is a tad cliched too - not too great for a short poem) I'd suggest working on the tenses to create a tighter poem. I'd also think about de-capitalising the Buck's head. It interrupts the flow... cheers  K |
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Taco Jonez Junior Member
since 2003-04-04
Posts 22St. Petersburg, FL |
thanks for the comments...yeah i am not sure why Bucks has a cap...maybe in the copy paste it gots messed up. yeah i am trying to really capture snapshots if you will. not sure if the poem makes sense in that this a poem of when hemingway kills himself.. So i am trying to create this moment, that is quick like a being shot by a bullet. so i think i went to more chopped up look but maybe i need to really stretch it out grammtically.... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
a chopped up look can still work with consistent tenses... K |
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Taco Jonez Junior Member
since 2003-04-04
Posts 22St. Petersburg, FL |
you are totally correct on the tenses...I guess i am looking for soem ways to correct that...but maybe overall in needs some growth. I think the point of being hidden about what the poem is about is ruining the overall flow that this poem could extend too. |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
Taco Jonez, I didn't know, at first, that this was about Hemingway's death. And I can see how you might like to keep that a hidden layer to it. I don't think that doing so means it can't be complete to a reader who is unfamiliar with the situation. I agree with Severn that it's a question of how tight you make the thing in itself. Furthermore, if you DO keep that hidden layer, it'll be so much the sweeter for people who figure it out! As far as critiques go... let's see. I agree that "The Buck's" should be lower case. And I'm wondering if you might not want to change the "as" at the beginning of ln. 5 to "while" and make "rest" into "rests." Possibly also "a" flow of words instead of "the" flow of words? So it would look something like: while a chair tipped over rests over a flow of words Also, I'm wondering if the last line might not work better as "AT journey's end" instead of "and journey's end." Personally, I'm really fond of short snapshot poems. Some people don't care for them because there's not enough narrative or enough background context or spun out emotion, but I feel like creating a good snapshot carries a lot of emotion in itself. (I've written a set called "Polaroids" myself along these lines.) It's cool that the reader gets to put whatever context and emotionality he feels into the piece. So, that being said... I like the thrust of this poem, and I don't think you need to make it grow too much. In fact, I think it works better as a concise snapshot. What I would do is just agonize a little more over choosing a handful of words or phrases that you could add (just one or two more lines at most) that would round out the snapshot a little more. I mean, the challenge of a poetic photograph is making so few words say so much... but you're already really on the right track. I think you should continue. I'm not sure that fleshing it out into a longer more narrative structure would serve it. Good Luck! And all the best. Thanks for the read. Sincerely, Kamala "At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-- |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Hey Zagg!   Glad to see another familiar face here... "In a den rug rolled up to the side The Buck's head just stares forward as a chair tipped over rest over the flow of words and journey's end " The only two parts that "annoy" me : "tipped", for the sound quality. The rest of the poem has a nice roll on the tongue but that word spills it somehow... The second "itch" I have is the last line... maybe re-phrase it? All together a great poem, as usual, but no punctuation? is that intentional?  Keep it up   "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Snapshot poems often work well without punctuation... I have a feeling it was intentional - am I right Taco? It works, no punctuation - yes, it really works. Kamala's small adjustments work quite well I think, and aid the tenses. K |
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Taco Jonez Junior Member
since 2003-04-04
Posts 22St. Petersburg, FL |
to last few comments...i think there was some great suggestions...there is an intention to not use puncutation...it should be like a breath...as if you walked into the scene...that moment of ..GASP! if you will... i agree i eneded up doign a rewrite and i think i made the poem 2 lines longer...the buck was fixed, and as for "tipped" it is purposeful in that it plays off that hemingway was a writer and the idea of tipping your peb in ink...but in this case the chair is tipped because he tipped the gun at his own ink.... |
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Zaynab Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 59Kuwait |
Heya, nice to see you here! Nice poem, only thing is the tenses, they keep niggling no matter how many times i read over it trying to justify the way you've done it. As for lack of punctuation, that works considering you're going for a 'moment-in-time' snapshot sort of thing. Nice one Zaynab xxxxxxxx Kill me tonight and I will love again |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
ah i understand now, thanks for the explanation zagg "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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