Eminem Song - raplike poem

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Galena
Junior Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 10

0 posted 2003-03-27 03:22 PM

Eminem Song

Can you hear me now?

If I talk like this
If I hold up my fists
And fight, don't kiss

If I look like a bull
That has eaten his full
Of small children and
Women and weaklings like this

If I change my dress
And dress for success
In a suit and a tie
And some manliness

Can you hear me now?

If I walk like this
If I sit with legs wide
And don't swallow my pride
If I stand up and demand up
And mock like this?

Can you hear me now?

doggie-lover
Junior Member

since 2003-03-29

Posts 23

1 posted 2003-03-29 09:41 PM

wOW. yOU CAN REALLY FEEL THE BEAT AND CAN tap the pulse. gREAT jOB!

doggie-lover
Junior Member

since 2003-03-29

Posts 23

2 posted 2003-03-29 09:41 PM

wOW. yOU CAN REALLY FEEL THE BEAT AND CAN tap the pulse. gREAT jOB!

SilentFreija
Junior Member

since 2003-03-30

Posts 37

3 posted 2003-03-30 05:27 PM

damn good rap! I love Eminem!

Where you look for broken hearts...you'll find me...
mend my broken heart and love me
because I forget how to smile.

Galena
Junior Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 10

4 posted 2003-03-30 10:00 PM

Thanks to those who liked it - I appreciate!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2003-04-13 02:26 AM

I think that overall, your flow here is good, there are a few things I would take a closer look at though:

'If I look like a bull
That has eaten his full
Of small children and
Women and weaklings like this'

First of all, the second sentence is grammatically incorrect- I understand that rap is a more fluid form that allows for variations in standard word usage, but here it seems obvious that the use of 'full' instead of 'fill' was done to fulfill a rhyme scheme. Don't be a slave to your rhyme... make it work for you.

Secondly... it doesn't make sense. Bulls don't eat people... they eat grass and hay and grains... it might be a good idea to rethink you image there.

'If I change my dress
And dress for success
In a suit and a tie
And some manliness'

I like the rhyme of success and manliness here, and I like the image of dressing in manliness.

Anyway, just a couple of things to point out, overall I think you have a good start but you could definitely expand, make it a little longer and more fleshed out.

Hope I've helped.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

6 posted 2003-04-17 04:42 PM

I agree with Hush, but also took issue with "demand up". Good luck revising.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

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