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Critical Analysis #2
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You're a woman now
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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You're a woman now |
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
You’re a woman now: "You’re a woman now: Don’t look a-fright – Close your legs tight – Sit down, don’t fight – You’re a woman now. You’re a woman now: Don’t make a joke – Don’t slurp your coke – No more jump rope – You’re a woman now." I’m a woman now: Don’t I feel proud – My life in a shroud – And not said out loud – I’m a woman now. |
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
help! what happened to my poem? ---------- Don't know what happened but it looks all right now. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (03-28-2003 03:10 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Galena, Welcome to the forum. Check your email for a message from me. No real critique from me on your first post but I did enjoy. It was well done, especially for a first post. I hope to see a lot more from you. Pete |
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Galena Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 10 |
thanks for likin' the poem. The first time I posted there were all these chinese letters in there instead of aphostrophes, but then they disapeared.hmmmm... Galena |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have seen that once or twice. No clue yet what it might be. Since it now shows up as it should, I think I'll remove the second copy, just to save resources. Thanks, Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I liked this one a lot, but I would recommend a trim. ("Just a little off the top please" or in this case maybe off the bottom.) I'm not sure I like the shift in the last stanza. I thought it spelled things out too clearly. More commentary on what not to do might work better. I enjoyed the subtle references to sexuality in the first stanza and think the poem might be more effective if you continued that throughout the poem. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
I agree with Mr Walker. The poem is great, if only I could....anyway. The last line could be cut and you wouldnt loose a thing, well, other than the last line. That minor change would improve the overall feel drasticaly. Here is my version of your version(does that make sense)  "I’m a woman now: Don’t I feel proud – Life's in a shroud – And not said out loud." Or you could end with "I'm a woman now" and cut the first line. Just an oppinion, peace Seth |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
I love the intention of this poem. I firmly believe that you can't be a woman poet and not write a few of these "fork in the back of my hand" poems that express how much we find ourselves corsetted as we grow older. Furthermore, I find that you capture that feeling really well in the first two verses. The tightness and rigidity of your formal structure along with the refrain "You're a woman now" adds to the sense of tension your dealing with thematically in the poem. It's a nice marriage of form and subject. That being said, my critiques would be in keeping with Walker & Seth. I think the last stanza would be better and more effective if you kept it in the realm of images that resonate with your intention... as opposed to spelling it out so clearly. And the "shroud" line doesn't work for me... it made me think too much of veils -- Hindu & Muslim garb -- which is a connotation you may not want to invoke right now. Of course, if you *are* going for that double entendre, then by all means keep it... but I found that it drew me out of the poem. Thanks for posting this... it's a great feminist piece. Kamala "At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-- |
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