insomniac yak shack - pipTalk Forums

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Critical Analysis #2

insomniac yak shack

jenn21e
Junior Member

since 2003-02-11

Posts 10

0 posted 2003-04-17 02:29 AM

hand
        pant
breast
        gasp
lover
        scream

eyes locked
        pant
she looks away
        gasp
her first time
        scream
he didn’t know

tussled bed sheets
        pant
socks dangling
        gasp
quiet snores
        scream

she does not sleep
watches his chest
up and down.
the sheet slides off
he shivers, rolls closer
the pattern on the ceiling
like stalactites in a cave
her eyes fixed heavenward
she shivers

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2003-04-17 04:34 PM

1. I would drop everything before: she does not sleep
2. "eyes fixed heavenward" is cliche
3. The metaphor of "stalactites in a cave" worked really well, but the rest of the poem falls short in the way of a poetic presentation

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

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