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Spring
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Spring |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Spring The fresh rosen rays of new dawn upon each scope and splot of lawn reflex in glazey tears of dew and sweet shades of bathing spring shew! Last dripping-bobs of the cold drink upon her flowing contours wink trancing and dancing alongst skin and stirring all her spright within Her angel gem eyes dream disclose and flower decor round her grows and flutterbies brush nigh her nose like minute faeries of rainbows. Her breath tip toes upon the stream and wavelets rear with azurn gleam and through young leaves on each old beam thus runs springs soul and runs springs steam amounts skies and welkins inspires with fluffs anew in plump desires Life splendant splendour spirts higher as spring sparkles on fruitful fire Renewing hues, reflexing dews to a poet, a perfect muse! [This message has been edited by Essorant (03-22-2003 04:33 AM).] |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
I've never been in here before, but I must say I kind of like this write. I don't do the critiquing stuff though, maybe you should have posted in Corner Pub or Open where it would be read moe. Love reading all these great writes. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well gee Flower that's the whole point isn't it? Getting a poem read more...hmmm...funnily enough, having a poem read by screeds of people isn't always the sole meaning of writing it - and I don't think it's a good plan to advise NOT posting in CA in favour of being more widely read... Ess - sorry mate, read splot, glazey and rosen and just couldn't get any further...I actually like creating words in poetry but I think that selectivity and care is called for. Splot? Sounds like a bad sci-fi robot from the 1960's... Rosen? Just sounds like bad grammar... Glazey? Well that just brings back bad memories...nothing to do with your poem really...heh In all seriousness - I'd refine your creativity here...it's a bit much...100% for effort though...  K[This message has been edited by Severn (04-10-2003 06:37 AM).] |
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sailorgirl New Member
since 2003-04-10
Posts 1 |
Hello Essorant, This is my first posting at this site. I enjoy critiquing and posting for critique. Bear with me while I do a line by line of yours. My first thought is: why not strophes? It doesn't really matter but this may make it more interesting a read. Anyway, it's a lovely little poem with some fresh images of spring. I haven't, yet, figured out bold, italic, and all that, so I will just mark with an * - my comments. Spring * Simple title - explains your poem right away. Maybe too soon. The reader wants a little mystery. Right away I think what's in it for me, the reader, to read another poem about the description of spring. You may want to consider some spice for your title. The fresh rosen rays of new dawn * Here, I think you could safely drop 'fresh'. The reader will infer 'fresh' with 'spring'. upon each scope and splot of lawn *'upon', to my ears, always read slightly inverted, which is not fluid in modern poetry. I really like 'splot of lawn'. It's different. By scope, I assume you mean each ray of sun. This is good. But as far as the 'upon' goes, I would change it to 'on'. If you take out 'fresh' in the first line this would work better with the syllables and meter. reflex in glazey tears of dew *I have to agree with the previous poster that 'glazey' doesn't work. It's hackneyed, but should be easy to fix with another adjective. Also, by 'reflex' I think you mean 'reflects'. It's a small thing but a big difference. and sweet shades of bathing spring shew! *shew is the past-tense archaic form for show. It does nothing for this poem, but force rhyme. "Bathing spring" is nice. Last dripping-bobs of the cold drink * I don't understand 'dripping-bobs' in relation to 'the cold drink'. upon her flowing contours wink *Again, inverted syntax. This could sound better without 'upon'. trancing and dancing alongst skin *I like trancing. I don't think I've heard that before. Excellent. "alongst" has to go. "Along" would suffice. And some descriptive adjective for skin would be interesting. and stirring all her spright within * This is nice too. But it should be 'sprite'. Her angel gem eyes dream disclose *Again, inverted syntax. I cannot stress enough how annoying it is to the reader to read forced poetitude. It's all been done, so it's boring. and flower decor round her grows *inverted. But I like the idea of flowered decor growing around her. * By the way, who is 'her'? If you are using 'her' as a metaphor for 'spring', I like it, but it's up to you to make the reader know your intentions. and flutterbies brush nigh her nose *This is probably my least favorite line. Could be fixed simply by saying: and butterflies brush her nose. like minute faeries of rainbows. * This in conjuction with butterflies doesn't make much sense to me. Faeries or fairies seems a little fantastical, or prosey. I like the images without the addition of fairies. Her breath tip toes upon the stream * No complaints here. I like 'breath tip-toes'. And, again, if you're using nature as metaphor for 'Her' this works. Lovely. and wavelets rear with azurn gleam *This, too, is pretty. Does not sound forced. And, actually, 'azurn gleam' sounds good together. I said it outloud a few times and liked it more each time. and through young leaves on each old beam *Now, you're saying 'wavelets rear through young leaves'. Unless, the young leaves have fallen off the trees, not likely, I don't understand. I think you want to give an image of 'old leaves' floating on the river/stream. By beam, I assume you mean sunbeam. I think you could benefit by a new image, since you've already given several to the sun. Perhaps a log or twigs on the stream. Just a thought. thus runs springs soul and runs springs steam *OK, I lied. This is my least favorite line. Too many s's for the tongue to trip on. Also, thus is awful. Springs soul is abstract. Sorry, but this line is in need of being cut. amounts skies and welkins inspires *do you mean "mounts skies and welkins inspire"? with fluffs anew in plump desires *This is all becoming wholey abstract. In other words, you understand what you're saying but the reader does not. Life splendant splendour spirts higher *here, you have some 'good' s sounds. I would re write it like this: Splendent splendour spirits higher. *I would rather see 'spirits' than 'spirts' "Spirts" in my mind has negative connotations. as spring sparkles on fruitful fire 'fruitful fire'? Sounds like you're burning fruit or reaping from the offering s of fire, which is nothing more than heat, flame and ash. Fruitful something or something fire, but together sound weird. Renewing hues, reflexing dews to a poet, a perfect muse! *These last two lines are thoughtful on the part of the writer, obviously sitting in nature, writing of the beauty-surrounds, but could possibly be explained more to the reader. Anyway, I hope this helps with any future revisions. Best luck to you. Very Truly, Tanya |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Flower-- It's nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Severn From A CONCISE ANGLO-SAXON DICTIONARY: rosen--made of roses; rose-coloured; rosey splot--patch (of land) (I chose this because I liked it being like spot and plot in one...) From ESSORANTS UNPUBLISHED DICTIONARY: Glazey --glazen; or glassen, or glassy. These are all legitimite words! I will be back a bit later! |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Sailorgirl Welcome to Passions! You make a lot of good points here...and I will keep them in mind if I write a revsions.. Thank for you reading and expressing your thoughts very openly...I appreciate that.. Take care, Essorant |
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LUV_R_GIRL2379 Junior Member
since 2003-04-09
Posts 42 |
I thought your poem was beautiful and well written..it was a little difficult to follow at first but if you take the time to really look into this poem its well worth it! And i also noticed you had the info to back up your writing(i.e. splot) very impressive! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
K is humbled...well actually, that's impossible  While they may be legit...I'd still suggest thinking about your wordage...IMHO selectivity and care is still needed in this piece...yup, I'm standing by that opinion... K |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
quote:   ps -- wouldn't that be 'are' instead of 'is'?---heh hugs  J |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
well given that there is only one of me Jpooh somehow I doubt it  |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
quote: Yes my dear Tigger, there is only one wonderful you, however, selectivity and care are two- which I am fairly certain would make 'selectivity and care ,are still needed in this piece' correct.  Jsorry 'bout the intrusion Ess There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
LUV_R_GIRL2379-- Thank you. I'm glad to know you enjoyed the read. Essorant |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Took back. [This message has been edited by Essorant (04-17-2003 07:44 PM).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I wish I could say that has happened to me Essorant, but alas my all too frequent errors are also all of my own doing--lol. My dear dear friend Kamla so very seldom makes so much as a minor mistake such as a misplaced comma, I risked not only her ire but also being eventually proven wrong about this or something else. She loves me though, so it is all good. JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. byron [This message has been edited by Jamie (04-17-2003 06:24 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well well... Firstly - have to say my being a moderator has nothing to do with it. Nothing. I resent that actually Essorant, and can't take that lightly. I'm assuming (and of course I could be wrong) you don't know the word for '...' - it's ellipsis. I use 'excess' ellipses (plural) in passions as a form of 'net-speech.' I use them to represent natural pauses in conversation; this is an effort to convey they way I speak in real-life across the screen. In regard to my little 'is.' To me, 'selectivity' and 'care' are tautological with a slight shift in connotation. Hence, I chose to combine the two into one singular noun - separated by an 'and.' Perhaps that is mere grammatical license...perhaps not... Jamie dear - I love you eh? You're walking a fine line m'friend...no more K huggles for you. Nope, no more... K the meanie |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Severn I'm sorry. I took back my words.  |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
you can't bloody well help yourself K... I just have way too much lovability for you to stop. heh ...and i love you too dear JPoohThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
No wollies Ess... K huggles all round...(even to Jamie...) K |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
even? EVEN? pah a more appropriate choice would have been E S P E C I A L L Y Jamie Jps more apologies to Ess for cluttering up this thread There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. byron [This message has been edited by Jamie (04-20-2003 11:27 PM).] |
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