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Critical Analysis #2
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The Soldier
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Soldier |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
The Soldier Oil fields light the desert sleeps the weary soldier cradled by the arabian night home sick SG [This message has been edited by SimplyGold (03-23-2003 05:39 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 SimplyGold - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I dont know how to critique free verse, but I like this. Jason |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Thank you Jason, I was trying to write a cinquain. Don't know if I succeeded? SG |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
You may have, i'm not familiar. Jason |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
For cinquain advice why don't you check out the Poetry Workshop...there are several threads in there about them that I recall (and other forms of poetry of course..) Myself? Write freeverse - don't know the first thing about them..  K |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Thank you Severn. I tried to go into it but, it tells me I'm not authorized?? SG [This message has been edited by SimplyGold (03-24-2003 08:43 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yes. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think you have to email Nan, the moderator, and ask for authorization. It's really pretty simple. Pete |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
You have captured perfectly the thoughts of those who serve. Thank You. Count the vote one more. ~You might say I'm a Dreamer, but I'm not the only one... |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggssssssss) And I will keep praying by the day for all these soldiers who must work their way through like this! (sad sigh) God Bless You, dearest friend, you have my vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Electra, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
I love cinquains and hope this makes it into the book...wish such sentiments weren't needed to be expressed though... |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
nice! I'm not sure how the form of poetry you are looking for should go and how emprissonned therefore the scheme will be but this is good... The last line feels a bit abrupt and the arabian nights a bit out of context but the atmosphere's captured nicely...  |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Excellent!!  ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Thank you all for your wonderful comments. As each day moves forward and news of our soldiers reaches home it becomes clear just how important this site is. To stay connected and pray for the safe return of all people who just want peace and are couragously defending that concept. SG |
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Kamala Member
since 2003-04-17
Posts 59CA, USA |
SimplyGold, I really like this poem. Just a few comments. Ln. 3 -- would you consider switching this around to "the weary soldier sleeps"? I just think that active voice is so much more effective; it adds so much more depth and punch to your verbs (and the subject). And making this switch doesn't compromise your syllabic structure -- YAY! My other comment concerns Ln. 4. I think you've got one extra syllable in there. My understanding was that cinquain should be 2, 4, 6, 8, 2. But that line's got 9, if I'm not mistaken. So, I thought you could possibly do one of the following: "cradled by arabian night" (omitting 'the') or "cradled IN arabian night" and btw -- I like your use of "arabian night." It's simultaneously ironic and true, which really works for me in this context. Lastly, I think homesick is one word or hyphenated. Technical details, but worth noting. I personally wanted to read it as one word "homesick." I hope these comments are useful. Thanks so much for this very timely, resonant poem. Yours Sincerely, Kamala "At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-- |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Kamala, It's been awhile since I've been here. Yes, yes,thank you. I think your suggestions are terrific. I am going to make those changes. It does pull this together so well! The Soldier Oil Fields light the desert the weary soldier sleeps cradled in the arabian night homesick Many thanks, this lesson will carry over to my other writing as well. I appreciate your input! SG |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
I stand corrected - Cradled by arabian nights SG |
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