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Critical Analysis #2

Snow Flakes Cinquain

SimplyGold
Senior Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 1453

0 posted 2003-05-11 11:04 PM

Snow flakes
feathers falling
from the wing of a dove
dances on air in its decent
to rest

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2003-05-15 12:56 PM

Hi, I don't really know much about cinquains (uh... they're short...) but I hope I can give some feedback anyway.

The image of snow falling being equated as feathers falling from the wing of a dove is kind of interesting, but I think it should be played on a bit more. I instantly think of the dove as a symbol of peace... why are feathers falling from its wing though? Is it hurt? (thinking of the way feathers fall like snow when a hawk has a kill). The snow leads me to believe that this is taking place in the winter- not a natural molting time for birds... so it would be especially unusual for more than one feather to fall from the wing of a healthy dove. Was this intended?

'dances on air in its decent
to rest'

Okay, I have a problem with this for two reasons. The first is related to what I said earlier- you compare snow to the feathers of a dove, but why? The connection should be made here... otherwise I'd say just pick one image or the other. It becomes unnecessary to use two images if you don't really do anything with the fact that your using this metaphor.

Second, your verb and subject numbers don't agree. It should go either:

'Snow flakes
feathers falling
from the wing of a dove
dance on air in its decent
to rest'

or

'Snow flake
feather falling
from the wing of a dove
dances on air in its decent
to rest'

Hope I've helped.

SimplyGold
Senior Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 1453

2 posted 2003-05-17 05:20 PM

Thank you for responding. Perhaps, I'm way off base. This was intended to be a brief description of simply a snowflake. Maybe it is to trite?

I do appreciate your comments, it is helpful to see what does come across and how I can improve.

Thank you
SG

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