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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2003-03-11 02:19 PM

Between the anvil
and iron hammer
stirs a spark to flight,
Raving its ember
fails to ignite
the white wires of your spine

And hardback pressing mine.
Between its rhythmic arch
and blank sheets below,
We strike to spark,
and faint as snow

Thread an endless row,
while solemn word-ridden
imprint leaves blood black
as the sleeve, your raven
lines lash against my back.

===================

I submitted this poem as a work in progress some months back, and today got the chance to work on it more. I have mainly tidied up the first and second stanza however there are major changes in the third stanza. Anyone interested to comparing the two can find the orginal at /pip/Forum28/HTML/000461.html

"Aboard a shipwreck train, give my umbrella to the rain dogs For I am a rain dog, too" Tom Waits

[This message has been edited by brian madden (03-11-2003 05:04 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-03-13 02:23 PM

Brian... some thoughts and comments.. not neccessarily useful to you..but my thoughts just the same...

Between the anvil
and iron hammer (why the use of iron hammer here between the anvil and the iron..or anvil and the blow perhaps... or anvil and the strike.. something a bit more descriptive?)

stirs a spark to flight,
Raving its ember
fails to ignite
the white wires of your spine ( perhaps aplay with line breaks here? to let the reader transition from the line raving its ember and fails to ignite...if they are supposed to be one thought. If not...then perhaps fails should be failing?)

And hardback pressing mine. (I always seem to struggle with a sentence that seems to begin with And.)
Between its rhythmic arch
and blank sheets below,
We strike to spark,
and faint as snow ( interesting contrast but seems to be out of place with the other imagery you are creating... no mention of elements here until snow..and the a faint element... not sure I follow)

Thread an endless row,
while solemn word-ridden
imprint leaves blood black
as the sleeve, your raven
lines lash against my back

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-03-14 10:33 PM

Hey Brian, meant to get to this sooner, but I've had a total lack of time and poetic inclinations lately...

For the most part, I think you've definitely clarified this... most of the things I thought were obscure or confusing in the original are smoothed over. My one remaining problem:

'Between the anvil
and iron hammer
stirs a spark to flight,'

Um... precisely what is stirring a spark to flight? My mind keeps wanting to read this:

'Before the anvil
and iron hammer
stir a spark to flight,'

but that obviously doesn't make sense considering the remainder of the stanza. I really can't get over that jarring fragment, and it's the first image of the poem. While I enjoyed the slightly experimental style of your wording here, that just ain't gonna work for me. You should really, really get some kind of a subject in there.

'And hardback pressing mine.'

I love this line more every time I read it. I'm still getting that tree-trunk image... but I really like the element of the book's spine.

And, a suggestion on the title? Your poem itself is very clever and subtle... and the title is anything but. Maybe the title could play on the poem, just as the wording within the poem plays together? Aaanyway, maybe I just have a negative bias...

Great writing. Really enjoyed the read.

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