»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Focus--rewrite
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Focus--rewrite |
|
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
On the hairs of my index finger, I blur Closely to examine these cattails, cattails In a shallow swampshore -- feel the beads Of perspiration emerge on my forehead, Pray for a shower or an outside enema -- Anything that rubs these rhines from my skin. This pungence has no central orifice, it surrounds And overwhelms, it depresses in the same way The gale from a tropical storm invigorates It creates the need for its own extinction, Leaves those forced to function in its presence A question without courage that cannot be thought, A question squashed in plumes of baby powder. Methane is a greenhouse gas but the greenhouse Misnomer misses the loss in extirpation In the same way that repetitive bathroom humor Inhibits and denies a different kind of laughter. I am bored with truth, transcendence, and rapture, With the same routine hygiene and linear progression. No, let me trip and fall Into a defacated wetland Or be sprayed with a yellow-brown muck While I finish changing The diaper on my daughter. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I like the anti-progression of this -- but I wonder if a trip to the thesaurus and frontloading the first strophes with more 5 dollar words, proceeding into more and more common language would even intensify the effect you seem to be going for here? [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (01-12-2003 11:55 AM).] |
||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I agree with what L.R said here, the piece might work better if the language became simpler and the imagery became more spare as you progress through the poem, like you are peeling back to the most basic form. I really like assonance in the first stanza, I feel that the second and third stanza don’t have the same impact. My main problem with the second stanza is the flow. A suggestion: “This pungence has no central orifice, it surrounds And overwhelms, depressing in the same way A gale from a tropical storm invigorates” For me the repetition of “it” in line one and two upset the flow of the stanza. “It creates the need for its own extinction” Maybe you are giving to much away here, the “anti progression” of the piece is quite evident, for me this line gives too much away. I understand the irony of the line in context with the previous line, but for me it is said too literally. Maybe if you cut the line so that it now reads “A gale from a tropical storm invigorates Leaves those forced to function in its presence” Obviously you would need to change parts of the second line so that it flowed better. Just a suggestion. “A question without courage that cannot be thought, A question squashed in plumes of baby powder.” I really like these lines, how the image “plumes of baby powder” contrasts with the rawness Of the first stanza, and sets up the last stanza. “Methane is a greenhouse gas but the greenhouse Misnomer misses the loss in extirpation” Now for me these lines are far too wordy, almost like tongue twisters. I think you simplify the wording in the third stanza, especially these lines, and it would strengthen the impact of the over all piece. Also while nit picking “repetitive bathroom humor” for me doesn’t with the tone of the poem, maybe its just me. I know its related to the image “different kind of laughter,” but “bathroom humour” its seems especially cliché in the context of the piece. It is no doubt meant is sarcasm, maybe if you use punctuation to make this clearer. As for the last stanza, straight to the point and powerful. I can see that you are not big on diaper duty LOL. Did you ever wonder if it is God’s way of humbling us. got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A smelly poem out of a happy changing, Obviously it was the talker's fault. A mind activity was a mind activity. Tom |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
TM, Enough, enough. I'll talk, I'll talk!  |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
 |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Just stopping in to say, "thank you" for being man enough to change a diaper! |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks. You know, at the bar, we tell these stories. It's the manly thing to do. |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Brad, The poem—God, I'm sorry to say this, Brad—really seems to begin in the last fine lines and may actually be about the more difficult topic of caring for your daughter and less about the literal crap the comes before. It's easier to talk about THAT than the actual father feeling without sentimentalizing it or drawing back from it. I don't have the courage to have kids in the first place, myself. I can't even pretend to know what it would be like to do this right, or to know if doing it is even possible. Heaven knows most Mother or Daughter poems shipwreck themselves on dishonesty and substitution of overidealization for reality, the same way the fashion for "my abortion poems" died of stock representations of what a person could actually bear to put into language a good forty years back. I am impressed as hell that you managed to get up to the last fine lines. Let me know if the langauge allows you to get further. Thanks for this one, BobK. |
||
|
dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
I also agree with L R. For Brevity's sake, I'd spank her fingers, If she tried touch it! copyright dwgpoet 2007 |
||
|
carnyspook Junior Member
since 2008-01-26
Posts 15Kentucky, United States of America |
comming from the cattails to your daughters dirty diapers. I see where you started and where you ended but I got lost in the middle, although I have had the unfortunate experience of finding dirty diapers out in the cattails. I guess you can tie it together any number of ways. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
