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Critical Analysis #2
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A full moon death
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A full moon death |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
A Full Moon Death Swirling flowing liquid Oozing, creeping slowly Lying face down Eyes glisten brightly Cramping, crackling skin Peeling outer layer Blank wide face Mouth gaping open Numbing pain throughout. An induced stasis with uninduced cringing. Shrieking, wailing bats Bell toll creepers Clouds hued blue Full moon light Shadowed swaying trees Rooted deep down. Howling for blood Midnight creatures coming- His dread revealed. Clicking claws torment Snarling gutteral yips Searing, painful stabs Sharpened playful nails Keen edged teeth Feeling the crunch Breath fading, faltering Warping body shape Loosing form rapidly A blank stare Inability to cry Limp limbed retching. Non remorseful mouths Ripping, shredding, chomping crash of limbs dragged feet first Crying for a savior. With no hope. With no future. Pacified. Putrified. Any and all help will be highly appreciated. Just maybe placings of adjectives to make it flow better in some places maybe? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm curious. You have one or two nasals in every line of the first strophe. Is that intentional? |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Treagal, There is a sense of enormous fear and horror that comes across here, but it is impressionistic. I'm not good with offering feedback for this sort of horror. But I think that it loses impact a bit because it loses attachment with the world of the everyday. I was talking to a guy who had combat flashbacks once and there were a few things that seemed to make his experiences horrible. They happened to him originally when he'd been in a perfectly ordinary conversation with a friend, whose body had instantly been transformed before his eyes into something else. The contrast of normal/horrible was more than he could processs. The notion that everyday reality is really tissue thin, and that very uncomfortable events can suddenly appear is one that people work very hard to pretend isn't true. When confronted with the destruction of this fantasy, people have unpleasant reactions that come back unpredictably. This combat vet, once confronted forcefully with the unreality of this illusion, couldn't reconstruct it again. The horror in your poem depends of horror being loaded on top of horror. That sort of pain simply makes readers stop processing the imput until their discomfort becomes managable. You need then to offer them something to identify with to make them willing to experience the situation you have constructed for them. A character, perhaps. Some thoughts, anyway, on this interesting writing problem you've proposed. Stephen King has an interesting book on writing, but its concern is more specifically prose than poetry. My best, BobK. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Well the whole thing I was going for with this poem was in 3's, weather it worked or not I know not. Although I could use this as a basis for another poem. The nasally qualities of the first strophe weren't all together intended. I did want a bit of a sonorant sound maybe. Hmm I wasn't exactly in this poem trying to point out fully what the picture was, like he may have fell from a bell tower were the bats roosted. Or even fully what the "monsters" in this poem are. To me the monsters aren't even real their this mans personal demons in his mind, or I don't know it's just full of life to me. If anything the elements in this poem can play out in another poem expanding on this idea? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I was delighted to see the Wolf Moon treacheries treated as such here--but I was a little bit saddened to see that the bite was bit too hard-focused. I think you did a nice job with the first stanza, actually.presenting instinct as impulse. It just got a lot a litte hard-core fore me afterwards. I saw no reason (nor any biological co-relation for bats shrieking) I felt like this was trying too hard to be Poe. "feeling the crunch" was a bit too Cap'n'Crunch and oh-please-trust, I love dark poetry, but I love the dark psychology of it much more bettah. I would have lost this more with three other adverbs: "Ripping, shredding, chomping crash of limbs dragged feet first Crying for a savior." I would have much preferred descriptions of emotional depravity, simply because that would have rung the truth bell home for me. And bats don't really wail, nor shriek. They dive and swoop, nearly soundless, which makes them all the more terrifying. If you want terror? Choose that which genuinely frightens you. I like it--I just think you need to be more in touch with that which terrifies you. Yes?  |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
I think the whole bats thing with me spawned from Scooby Doo bats >.< Sorry to disappoint you with my poem  , but you do make very valid points and I thank you very much. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
oh. well I take it all back then. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
No need to take it back, your comment was truly very helpful to me . You make some valid points to be sure! And like you said maybe I do need to think about the things that terrify me while writing more of this (which I do have things that terrify me). The whole bats thing, again I'm sure bats do make noise ( they use echo location for crying out loud!). But that's just me, heck they may not make noises. But if they did I would think it would be one of the most dreadful sounds imaginable! (not a big fan of bats myself, so creepy!) |
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