untitled for now - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

0 posted 2002-12-07 11:53 PM

What becomes of the broken hearted?
So often we've heard it said
But what of the dear departed
And the thoughts of humanity's head?

What happens to the ceaseless pain
All the aggression and the hate?
Does it stop, just like the rain:
Disappear, vanish... abate?

Where do all the children's dreams
Go when unfulfilled?
Do they flow into endless streams
To others who won't have them killed?

And what of the lifetimes spent
Remembering first loves lost?
Or the tears we cry in trying to vent
Unrequited love's bitter cost?

Maybe the're all like starlight,
Shining on through the universe
Created by us, for wrong or right,
Eternally, they shall disperse.

*********
Maybe it's just me, but I feel there's something missing from this poem. Can anyone else put their finger on it... or help me out with a title? Thanks in advance!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

Alpha_Omega
Junior Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 23

1 posted 2002-12-08 05:09 AM

I enjoyed this, im not all too much up on rhymes, but I enjoyed this

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2002-12-10 06:36 PM

Rainbowdust,

If you truly want to improve, the first thing you have to do is to start using "your own words". What I mean by that is though you have a lovely poem, ii includes a lot of cliches (over-used terms). Don't feel bad...every beginning poet goes through this, and many accomplished poets still do it on occasion.

The best way to get a poem that feels "right" or genuine to you is to make it all yours...your words, your emotion behind those words.

I hope I have helped, and ,again, do not take this harshly please. It is only meant to assist a fellow poet.

For example

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

That skull had a tongue
New Member

since 2002-12-10

Posts 4

3 posted 2002-12-11 12:08 PM

Rainbowdust-

I'm sorry to say that I winced several times during this poem. Listen well to warmhrt, those words have much wisdom in them. Also, if you are going to use rhyme, do not try to force it. No rhyme is better than forced rhyme. The idea is good though, so when you write your new poem try doing it with subtle, clever, or no rhyme at all. Thanks!

-That skull had a tongue

PoeticJustice
Junior Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 44
AK, USA

4 posted 2002-12-11 02:35 AM

I dunno about you guys... I don't see any cliches or many forced rhymes. Who determines what's cliche, anyways?

I thought this poem was very nice, I guess in a sense the theme of it was cliche, in the same way that all of our emotions are cliche(because they've been felt trillions of times over).

quote:
Where do all the children's dreams
Go when unfulfilled?
Do they flow into endless streams
To others who won't have them killed?

That last line felt forced to me.

quote:
Maybe the're all like starlight,
Shining on through the universe
Created by us, for wrong or right,
Eternally, they shall disperse.

Nice ending. Especially the last line. Though the second to last line sounds a little weird... It doesn't seem to fit to me.

Anyways, I liked this poem a lot. A few flaws reminds us that a human being wrote it.

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

5 posted 2002-12-12 08:24 PM

Thank you so much for all your comments!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

Tansen
Junior Member

since 2002-12-14

Posts 11

6 posted 2002-12-14 09:25 AM

hi,

I'm new and I love reading poems as well as much as writing them. So this site is heaven sent. I like your poem. I have no techie knowledge on this but I understand what warmhrt says. Still, i liked the essence of the poem - especially the concept behind the poem on the movement of our thoughts - makes you wonder on all that energy that is created by our thinking. Keep it Comming.

rOxXbabY391
Member

since 2002-12-14

Posts 71

7 posted 2002-12-15 06:03 PM

"Do they flow into endless streams
To others who won't have them killed?"

I agree with the person who said that i didnt see many cliche's and that everything is because we've felt the same feelings over and over... good thought

well i really liked your poem!! Sry, i dont have anything to critique on this poem! :-D
~*~eMiLy~*~

"I don't think I can make it through one more night. 'Cause how do you answer "What's wrong?" ~ when nothing is right.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.