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Critical Analysis #2

Alone Once More

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

0 posted 2002-01-10 01:56 AM

Alone once more
silent, dark, sweet
lace edged perhaps
but its paper lace
wet with night mist,
cobweb fog drifting
across painted fingertips-
smog green with a trace
of lilac fragrance
just enough to deflect
the drizzel inside
onto the window pane.

Why is it that in silence the mind screams?

C?
Member

since 2001-12-29

Posts 190

1 posted 2002-01-10 03:31 AM

I love poems that paint pictures and just play with your senses. I loved THIS one!!!

My one criticism is that you should punctuate it more appropriately. Read it out the way you want it delivered and put in punctuation accordingly...hope I've helped!

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2002-01-13 07:54 PM

This is excellent.

The only suggestion I would make
is I believe "silent, dark, sweet"
is a little too telly and I would leave them out.

But that's just my take.

I love this.

Kathleen--(Kay)
A true friend does not love you for who you are, but in spite of who you are." -- Caroline Tran

mauddib
Member

since 2002-01-12

Posts 119
melbourne australia

3 posted 2002-01-13 09:29 PM

The use of metaphor is a powerfull tool in poetry.
It opens the five senses to understanding the written word.
Not only do we read, we feel, we touch, we taste hear and see the emotional intent.
And is that not your intent in writing?
Luvd this one!

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

4 posted 2002-01-16 04:27 PM

Thank you so much for replying and I am so glad you all enjoyed this rather abstract piece.

Revision:
silence
darkness
laced edged perhaps
but time is paper lace
wet with the night mist
cobweb fog drifting
across painted fingers-
smog green with a trace
of lilac fragrance
just enough to deflect
the drizzle inside
onto the windowpane

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

5 posted 2002-01-24 12:53 PM

What do you mean: time is paperlace? I don't get that analogy.

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