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Critical Analysis #2

My summer of love

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

0 posted 2002-01-23 06:03 PM

My summer of love

She came out of a tube train,
Refreshing as the summer rain.
She was my summer of love.
We embraced like a hand to a glove.

Minolta 500 was my conversation line,
Afternoon tea turned to evening wine.
The bookshop was our first adventure,
Reams of poetry spun a risky venture.

We walked upon the heath at Hampstead,
We sailed beyond the stars to bed.
We danced upon the clouds at Kenwood House,
But now the limits are our spouse.

I knew her when days were young,
She was the air in my lungs.
We were careless as the wind.
Under Jove?s roof we?d sinned.

Many years have passed us by,
Yet passion still lingers in her eye,
Her slender figure envelops my mind,
Her laughter I?m still longing to find.

© 2002 by Asif Ahmed.

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

1 posted 2002-01-23 09:58 PM

She came out of a tube train,
                    Refreshing as the summer rain.
                    She was my summer of love.
                    We embraced like a hand to a glove.

                    Minolta 500 was my conversation line,
                    Afternoon tea turned to evening wine.
                    The bookshop was our first adventure,
                    Reams of poetry spun a risky venture.

                    We walked upon the heath at Hampstead,
                    We sailed beyond the stars to bed.
                    We danced upon the clouds at Kenwood House,
                    But now the limits are our spouse.

                    I knew her when days were young,
                    She was the air in my lungs.
                    We were careless as the wind.
                    Under Jove?s roof we?d sinned.

                    Many years have passed us by,
                    Yet passion still lingers in her eye,
                    Her slender figure envelops my mind,
                    Her laughter I?m still longing to find.

Hello.  You have some wonderful imagery here, and it makes
me long to see the English countryside.  Now, having said that
let me give you my critique.

The rhyme in this is entirely too forced.  That jumped out at me immediately.
There are also too many cliches in this poem "refreshing as the summer rain"
"hand to a glove"  "careless as the wind"  these are tired, worn out phrases
that really don' leave an impression on the reader.

The opening line sounds so dry.  "She came out of a tube train"  It's flat.

I'm sensing this is a romance.  "air in my lungs" doesn't sound too romantic
does it?

That last line bugs me.  Why are you ending it with wanting to find laughter?
Did I miss something?

I feel this could say SO much but leaves the reader sorely disappointed
in what could be a beautiful passionate poem of an English romance
set to some provocative scenery.

Don't mean to be so harsh. This is an honest critique. Take what you can use,
if you feel there is something there and leave the rest.  I'd love to see this
rewritten with some feeling

Kathleen--(Kay)
A true friend does not love you for who you are, but in spite of who you are." -- Caroline Tran

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (01-23-2002 09:59 PM).]

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