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Critical Analysis #2
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If Love
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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If Love |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
If love were not as fluid as the Ocean you'ld grasp it with both hands watch the sands of time slip through and coat the bottom of your geni bottle If joy were not as lasting as the Sky you'ld trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy after the tears fell from heaven If roses were not more than Poison you held your crucifix up to block the sent and watch the thorns encircle others but never letting them near your soul Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I just saved this poem to disc, that's how much I loved it. God, I hate to even critique it, to me it's nearly perfect! BUT this is the critique forum  Ok, maybe some punctuation no need to capitalize "ocean, sky, poison" geni is genie I believe you meant "scent" instead of "sent" I also feel it could be more tight. I'll be back later, if you don't mind I'm barely awake but I feel this is more than worth another read. Kathleen--(Kay) |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
Thank you Irish Rose ) If Love (revision #2) * * * * * * * If love were not as fluid as the ocean, you would grasp it with both hands and watch as the sands of time slid through and coated the bottom of your genie bottle If joy were not as lasting as the sky you would trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy after the tears fell from heaven If roses were not more than poison you would hold your crucifix up high and watch the thorns encircle others never letting them near your soul Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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Englishpoet Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 54Birmingham, England |
Hi The first two stanza is perfect. Last stanza is not as strong as the other two. Overall, I loved it. Asif The heights by great men reached and kept |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This poem has one really major problem. 'If love were not as fluid as the ocean, you would grasp it with both hands and watch as the sands of time slid through and coated the bottom of your genie bottle' What does the ocean have to do with the sands of time and a genie bottle? Maybe there's a connection, but you don't make it clear. 'If joy were not as lasting as the sky you would trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy after the tears fell from heaven' I don't think this one is as bad, but I still don't see what catching joy in a box has to do with it being soggy with tears from heaven? I see a potential connection, but there are a lot of possibilities... I think you should give the reader more direction. 'If roses were not more than poison you would hold your crucifix up high and watch the thorns encircle others never letting them near your soul' I don't know what roses have to do with poison or crucifixes. The end just confuses me. Who are the 'others?' Also, just as a side not... the structure of the first line of each stanza is very confusing... I have to make my brain work around the wording to see what you mean, and that's very tedious. Hope I've helped. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I like your revision and I feel there is much to be left up to the reader. The only thing that I too, am bothered with, is the poison and the crucifixes. I got lost with that when comparing it to a rose. Kathleen--(Kay) |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
If love were not as fluid as the ocean, you would grasp it with both hands and watch as the sands of time slid through and coated the bottom of your genie bottle If joy were not as lasting as the sky you would trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy after the tears fell from heaven If pain were not as deadly as poison you would fill your soul with its light and watch the night encircle others as you slowly walked away from life |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
If love were not as fluid as the Ocean you'ld you’d grasp it with both hands missing a connector watch the sands of time slip through I don’t get it. I thought the person was grasping love, not the sands of time? and coat the bottom of your genie bottle If joy were singular “was” not as lasting as the Sky you'ld you’d trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy awkward sentence structure after the tears fell from heaven so far, punctuation marks are missing in numerous places If roses were not more than Poison you held your crucifix up to block the sent these two lines are poorly constructed and are nonsensical and I believe you mean “scent” not sent. and watch the thorns encircle others but never letting them near your soul I think the idea behind this is a good one. Good luck on the rewrite. |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Now on to your rewrite... If love were not as fluid as the ocean, you would grasp it with both hands and ill-advisec placement of the term "and" watch as the sands of time slid through and coated the bottom of your genie bottle again, is this person holding love or the sands of time? If joy were not as lasting as the sky you would trap all you could in a box made of cardboard and left soggy awkward after the tears fell from heaven If pain were not as deadly as poison you would fill your soul with its light and watch the night encircle others as you slowly walked away from life If you are going to punctuate at times, punctuate the poem's entirity. I have a problem with the perspective of this poem: you would & you are...who me? or the reader? No, don't speak for the reader, speak for yourself. Make "I" statements about your beliefs. I would change the, you woulds and the you ares into: "I would" and "I am" This revision is much better, btw. |
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