Sudden Darkness (Re-write)

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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2002-10-15 12:20 PM

October evening storm,
branches slap the panes,
pictures on the wall dance
to the deep reverberations.
Sudden darkness
siezes equilibrium,
till there is enough light shed
to watch shadows on the walls
flicker
Rorschach shapes.

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

1 posted 2002-10-15 04:06 PM

Hi!

Below are my suggestions in brackets:
Adjectives help to create mood and give the reader additional information which makes the poem more meaningful.

October evening storm,
branches slap [attack, scrape, assault, claw, pummel, whip], the panes,
pictures on the wall dance
to the deep reverberations.
Sudden darkness
[seizes] equilibrium,
["till" might be viewed a a poeticism]. there is enough light ["shed" is redundant because if there is enough light then it is assumed to have been shed].
to watch shadows on the walls [aged walls? Crumbling walls? white walls? Tilted walls? Plaster walls? Brick walls? Church walls? Castle walls? prison walls? Cell walls?

flicker

Rorschach shapes. [grotesque Rorschach shapes? Frightening Rorschach shapes? Menacing or threatening Rorschach shapes?

[."...for shadows on the wall to flicker...."]

The two introductory lines are too trimetered. The third almost repeats being predominantly iambic trimester itself. This distracts from the description and the speaker seems to be emotionlessly uttering simply for the sake of uttering.

He certainly is not frightened since frightened people do not describe things in such a calm way. So the question arises as to what emotion is it that the speaker is feeling. Or what is the emotion that the poet is trying to create in the reader. Is it astonishment? Amusement? Terror? Homesickness? Pleasure at contemplation of beauty? Anger at a social injustice? Appreciation of nature? Anger at nature's injustice? What exactly is the emotion which the writer attempts to engender? Does the poem contain within itself the essentials to recreate that target emotion or reaction?

As in short stories and novels, there is no drama without conflict. For example, man against nature, man against other men or society, man against himself, create drama. Without drama of some kind, a short story or novel will not be memorable. In fact, it might be abandoned after the first few pages. Poems too depend on drama created by conflict to hold reader attention. Don't get me wrong, a blatant description of conflict need not be the way. But conflict can be hinted at via understatement, allusions, or other such poetic devices. In short, I would seek a way of introducing drama into this poem by creating some type of conflict which can be subtly hinted at.

BTW

[I found the ending "shac-shape" sound hard to pronounce and unpleasant to the ear. So I would look for an alternative.]

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-15-2002 04:29 PM).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2002-10-15 05:23 PM

Radrook,

All I have to say is you're a toughie.

I am going to post another re-write within a re-write:

October evening storm,
branches whip at panes,
widened eyes are captured
by voluminous flashes,
pictures on walls dance
to deep reverberations.
Sudden darkness
seizes equilibrium,
till enough candle light is shed
to watch shadows on walls
flicker
Rorschach shapes.

Sorry, but I like 'schack shapes. I tried lots of different words, and none of them worked as well.

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (10-15-2002 09:49 PM).]

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 2002-10-15 05:45 PM

Kris:

I like "Rorschach shapes" but think it would be more effective if you described what the subject saw in those shapes. I think this would give the reader a peek into the subject's psyche.

I took a shot at a more ominous interpretation. I like the layers of meaning in your choice of "equilibrium", by the way. It conveys both the disruption of physical equilibrium caused by being plunged in "sudden darkness" and a shift in mental state. I also added a few words for flow. Here it goes.

The October evening storm
flashes
as pictures dance on walls
to the beat of
branches tapping panes
and deep reverberations' rolls.
Sudden darkness
seizes equilibrium,
until enough candle light is shed
for ensorcelled eyes widened
to watch shadows on the walls
flicker
Rorschach shapes.

Thanks for the read. I needed the break.

Jim

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2002-10-15 09:41 PM

Jim,

You're very welcome....I like what you did, but "ensorcelled"????

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

5 posted 2002-10-15 09:48 PM

Hi!
Wasn't trying to be tough--only helpful.
Sorry if I came across that way.

Anyway, your revision has improved the poem.
Now the use of adjectives is making the scene come alive. Good modifications!

I like the introduction of "eyes" into the scenery. I also like the adjective "widened eyes."
Not too sure about "ensorcelled"since I am wary of words that send the reader to the dictionary. Perhaps, "enchanted" might better suit your purpose?

This makes for drama. I also agree that the shadows should convey a clearer picture. That's where an adjective would also help.

Also, the suggestion of the shadows dancing to the beat of branches tapping on the panes makes the poem more harmonious. I find "seizes equilibrium" too vague to elicit any response. But as you can see, that is not necessarily the case. I still think that the removal of the poeticism "till" and its replacement by "until" would improve the poem IMHO. But you, the author, will be the final judge. : )

God bless!

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-15-2002 09:58 PM).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

6 posted 2002-10-15 11:11 PM

Radrook,

I didn't mean that in a bad way...often the toughest professors teach us the most. So. being a toughie can be a good thing, I suppose.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your help and advice. I think I might just put this one away for a while, and then see what happens. Often, a little time is all that's needed to get a poem into shape.

Thanks again, Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

7 posted 2002-10-16 07:06 AM

Okay, okay, okay. It was the meaning of the word moreso than the sound the prompted the suggestion. I thought the being transfixed or bewitched offered stronger meaning than "captured".

Jim

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

8 posted 2002-10-16 12:20 PM

Dear Jim,

Well then, why didn't you just say: "widened eyes are bewitched", or "transfixed", hmmmmmmmmm?

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

9 posted 2002-10-17 12:32 PM

Hi!

Very true.

We put a poem away and come back to it with fresh ideas. It also helps by creating an emotional distance necessary for objective evaluation. It is very difficult to be objective with a composition involving a personal experience for example. So time gives us that needed time to perhaps let our sparking synapses cool off. LOL

God Bless!

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