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Critical Analysis #2
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Orbit
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Orbit |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
We watch the night sky You and I together My rib, the crescent moon You gaze above you My fingers, as falling stars You gaze above you My hair, a comet's tail We watch the night sky You and I in silence You lift me up into orbit We watch the night sky You and I in our room You lift me up into orbit (Watch me fall) |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi eminor_angel, As I read this I pictured two people "outside" under the stars. To find the setting indoors at the end of the read sort of spoils this for me because all that I'd pictured changed. I would rather picture them out of doors, but what would you think about putting S9 first. Like: We watch the night sky (together) in our room My rib, the crescent moon You gaze above you My fingers, (are) falling stars You gaze above you My hair, a comet's tail We watch the night sky You and I in silence You lift me up into orbit ((Now) watch me fall) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just a suggestion, take, or leave. turtle  |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
After posting, I revised "my fingers, as falling stars" to "my fingers, a constellation" |
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