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Critical Analysis #2
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I saw her
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I saw her |
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olijay Junior Member
since 2009-03-01
Posts 14San Francisco! |
I know that I already posted this in general but I was looking for some advice/critiques, any suggestions greatly appreciated! I drove by Her. The most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It was like someone slipped 3D glass over my eyes. I could see her x-ray beauty. dyed black Barbie doll hair. Barbie doll skin But Without the suntan. her eyes, were like the earth, and the moon and other big round things. Her butt I imagine it was made of goose down I wanted to be that goose I wanted to park the car. And say “hey”. “im oliver”. or something to that extent maybe pepper in some “your most beautiful girl ive ever seen”’s in there too I only had a nanosecond of passing her To fantasize Of choking her With my affection Until my love dripped from the corner of her lips she was surrounded by her followers like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade on top of each other for that last bit of sunlight all worshipping her like mayans on the temple and the sun god pining for her I wanted to be one of them And pine for her Did you see her too? [This message has been edited by olijay (03-01-2009 09:21 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 olijay - All Rights Reserved | |||
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Sorry sisko, But I didn't see her I'm afraid. Sisko, how many people do you think get broken hearted and write a poem about lost love? Or better yet, how many people get broken hearted and don't write a poem about lost love. The number is probably less. In order to write something that is better than ALLLLLL those poems written over hundreds....thousands of years, holds your effort up against alot of great and unmatchable poetry. It is better to ponder and describe a milk carton than lost love. You clearly need help here, I don't know if I can help. I would suggest reading everything you can find on the web about writing poetry and try reading some poetry. I don't know your age, or background in writing, but it looks like you're just getting started. If you're a teen or there about, you might think of posting in the teen forum. If not, you could try a poetry workshop. Once you get a little better understanding of poetry, I'd be glad to help you. Turtle  /please read and comment on someone else's poem. either here or in another forum. I know that many people feel too unqualified to comment, and you are not required to comment, but the less experienced reader's input is important to the writer as well. Doing this also helps you learn about poetry......and it makes me happy...heh. |
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olijay Junior Member
since 2009-03-01
Posts 14San Francisco! |
thanks for the honost advice, and yes i am new at this. its funny that its true that writing a poem about a milk carton would be more original then writing a love song type, theres something i dont know, ironic about that. but at the same time writing about lost loves or things of that nature, i think people will always do it, no matter how many times its been done. it is a highly relatable subject although i actually didnt write this about any lost love, it was more meant to be a kind of joke, i drove by this girl and just liked the way she looked and had a little splitsecond fantasy about her, you gave good advice though i should stick to the more general forums until ive got my feet grounded with what I'm doing. I thank you for your input, another thing i got from your input is that my poem obviously didn't succeed in conveying the message that it was meant to be a parody or a statement on the lunacy of human fantasy. its hard to realize that people cant read your mind and know what you wrote the poem for/about, thats why its helpful to have others read it. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi sisko Yeah the ending (conclusion) usually expresses the meaning and purpose of the poem So: wanted to be one of them And pine for her Wanted to pine for her says lost love to me. While your here in CA you might want to read this thread. You could pick up a few pointers here. /pip/Forum28/HTML/002449.html |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Olijay, welcome , I didn’t see your poem as a lost love, if I had, I would have read it backwards and got my love back or at least the pickup truck. I saw the poem as you trying humor, it didn’t work for me, but ... I won’t recommend any books or workshops , just keep on writing that will make me happy. Btw, the best workshop I have seen is one street South. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I kinda liked this but the line breaks threw me in places . |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
"her eyes, were like the earth, and the moon and other big round things." This line really struck me as funny but true, because sometimes when one is trying to describe something it just doesn't come out as brilliant. I liked that you captured that. There are some incongruities in this poem. For example, 3D glasses and x-rays aren't the same thing of course - it makes the reader stop and think, which isn't good. |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
I would say, start with the strongest part... she was surrounded by followers like plants trying to grow their way out of the shade, one on top of the other, for that last bit of sunlight, all in worship, like mayans with temples like sun gods like gods pining ..and work from there |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
This is the best thing that's been around these dismal and desperate parts lately (apart from the shade of the drunk Welsh bard of course ), which I guess isn't saying much, but is meant as a compliment.Far from being your standard luvey duvey poem this I thought had wit (which worked for me), originality, and a certain playfulness arising from the irreverent approach to writing. The jury is out however on whether your handling of the unoriginality in such a manner as to make it original can be repeated or bettered in subsequent poems. Grinch however has highlighted one bit of experimentation that goes too far imo: the line breaks move from being a mere distraction to being a severe impediment to enjoyment. I can see this as a kind of stream of consciousness unpunctuated exhalation, but the choppy lines ruin it. It might even be better arranged as a single blocked paragraph. In any event, please stick around. |
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