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Critical Analysis #2
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Unity in Diversity
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Unity in Diversity |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
CAUTION: This is a sonnet. Too, some knowledge of quantum science will aid in understanding this writing. The Yin and Yang are personifications of the positive and negative forces upon which creation is built. If you read this, please give constructive remarks which are not general. I am posting for help. The cosmic womb is fertilized with ought- Enormous pregnancies-a seamless sea Which harbors poised potentiality And seemingly possesses boundless thought. From Terra' time to quantum's world of wrought, Creation ordered common unity Which answers present in all instantly, For time and tense and space dissolve to naught. Beyond the frosted lens of science' eye Where astronomical details still hide, A trysting place which mystifies the I. Embraced Yins and Yangs dance in grace and stride Around "romantic" forms which testify: Togetherness births the diversified. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
First, is there some reason we need be cautioned that this is a sonnet? That questioned, you have an Itialian style sonnet, but there are a few technical nits. "The cosmic womb is fertilized with ought- Enormous pregnancies-a seamless sea Which harbors poised potentiality And seemingly possesses boundless thought." Meter is good. Rhyme seems all right at first although I stumble at the contextual use of "ought" in L1. I haven't looked up the definitions so can't be certain. (My bad) In L3, you end the line with a secondary, meter-induced, stress on a normally unstressed syllable. A certain amount of that is poetically acceptable but less so when used to complete a rhyme. All right, it's not too bad so you get a "qualified" pass on that one. "From Terra' time to quantum's world of wrought, Creation ordered common unity Which answers present in all instantly, For time and tense and space dissolve to naught." Here the rhyme in L2-L3 is just too far off, in addition to being again on unstressed syllables. Also, the meter requires "in" to be stressed in L3 when normal reading would stress "all" instead. You should be able to find an easy way around that one. "Beyond the frosted lens of science' eye Where astronomical details still hide, A trysting place which mystifies the I. Embraced Yins and Yangs dance in grace and stride Around "romantic" forms which testify: Togetherness births the diversified." L2, L4 and L6 are not metrically correct. True, you can force L2 into meter but try to read that line aloud, in meter, to yourself and try to convince yourself that it sounds right. Good start here. Work out these little speed bumps and let's see how the content then works. All right, that's probably the backwards approach. Most would suggest that you get the content then make it fit the form and I'm sure that is the better way. Anyhow, I first saw the speed bumps and that distracted me from the content. Hope this helps. Pete |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear No A Poet, This is what I need. You are truly a teacher. The reason for the caution is that I have been "called down" several times for using this form. I will not mention names for that will serve no good. I was told to move from the sonnet and wrote a poem or two and the reviews were bad. I don't mind bad reviews when my errors are pointed out. This is the reason I post in CA. You have challenged me and and I will try to correct this. I enjoy trying. There is something very mystical about poetry and I want to get a working knowledge of it. The reasons I like the sonnet form: It is brief. I know poems can be shorter. I like to set the stage in the first 8 lines. Then I like the turning and then I try to hold the main thought out as long as I can. I have written some in blank verse and these seem to work out. But for some reason, I like the rhymes, too. This poem is so technical I may try to rewrite it with blank verse. You do not know how much your critique has meant to me. BJ |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I am pleased to be of help. Don't ever let anyone shame you from writing sonnets for exactly the reasons you stated above. If you enjoy it then do it. BTW, this one is much closer to the ideal than your earlier attempts. That surely means you are progressing. Keep up the good work. BTW, it's Pete. I just used that other as a screen name let everyone know up front that I am certainly do not claim to be a poet, just a learner. |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Not A Poet, I am not a poet either. lol You are! I have read some of your works and they speak for you. I have chosen to use blank verse in this sonnet since it is so tech. Every time I rewrite a poem, it comes out differently. This is so on this one. Yins and Yangs are personifications of the positive and negative forces on which all creation is formed. These terms are not new for they are used in other cultures, even by some western scientists. The cosmic womb possesses plentitude Of pregnancies beyond quads' learned count; This matrix seemingly owns mind that thinks, Which stretches men beyond their framed sheepskins. From Terra's turning points to quanta's realm, Times' tenses with space strangely disappear, All unified with no thought to divide In this womb where creation's born and bred. Yins and Yangs dance embraced and patterns form All kinds of things, from fiery nebulae To twice born stars and planets, Mother Earth. Creation's like a tethered merry-go- Round, born and borne by Yins' and Yangs' embrace, While we vie for prized rides on "worldly gigs!" Dear Not A Poet, I have trouble with conj. and prep. falling on accents. I have notes from this site that this is a no no. Can you give me a site on the internet which will help me to solve this. I have several poem construction books and they do not deal with this. [This message has been edited by BROTHER JOHN (09-25-2008 02:11 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think it's not so much a strict no-no. Those words are usually weak and would rarely get stressed in normal language. Just like a secondary stressed syllable can sometimes fill in for a proper stress to make the meter, the same applies to these "little words." I can't come up with an example off hand but let your ear be the judge. If you read the line aloud and it sounds like you are having to force stress where it doesn't belong then it is probably wrong. If not then it can be used but only sparingly. One or two times could be acceptable in a sonnet or blank verse or most any other metric form. In truth, it all comes down to ear. What sounds right or sounds forced determines whether it works or not. Pete |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
The constant crush of consonance creates A slippery slope where sibilance awaits. Internal rhyme is fractious, overused. These yins and yangs seem forcibly abused. Best, Jimbeaux  |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Oceanvu2, Constant crush of consonance creates A slippery slope where sibilance etc. Lol Thanks for your comments. I get your drift and will try not to harm the lowly Yins and Yangs. Lol BJ |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Brother John Alas, all I may say right now is I found this to be very weak. "Embraced Yins and Yangs dance in grace and stride", "like a dizzy merry-go-round" as "brains beyond their sheepskins' frames" " nit-pick for rides on "worldly gigs!" I have much difficulty taking a poem about creation or the universe serious with such wild sayings. I think it needs to be much more careful about the line between serious and absurd. |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Essorant, Thanks for reading this. This is a poem in the making. Why do you think I post in CA? My critics are my teachers and I am thankful for ones as you. I corrected two or three things of your suggestions. However, since you write poetry, you know that you cannot take everything literally. In this wonderful creation, it is a shame that we have so much nit-picking from all over the world. As to the worldly gig it is a play on other term and yet, I let this stand as is for we all have "gigs". Yes, even me. And yet the world keeps turning. Lol By the way, yins and yangs do embrace, that is why creation is. If you think of a better word that expresses this union, just let me know for I will change it. Thanks for your suggestion. You are my teacher and I hope to be the better. BJ |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Too, some knowledge of quantum science will aid in understanding this writing “ Dear Bro. John, I got a question: If a proton was removed from your Yang, would it become a Yin ? If this should happen, would you then have a Yin and Yin ? |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Chopstick, Thank you for reading this. There are only four known forces in quantum science: gravitation, electromagnetism, and the weak and strong forces. There is a present theory that is being offered today called the zero point of energy which seeks to combine all of these into one. (The Higg's particle) Of course, I am sure you know about this. On this we will have to wait and see. The yin and yang were the ancient way to explain the positive and negative forces. It still is just a convience. But to get to your question about the proton. As yet, scientists have not seen one decay for their "life span" extends for millions of years. So your question is not answerable. "...Physicists accept the continuous of particle pairs in empty space not only as a possibility but also an actuality." Page 115 of "Inventing Reality, Physics As Language" by Bruce Gregory. By the way, this author deals in some depth with your question in particular. I am not a physicist, just enjoy reading it. It is very informative. Thanks again for reading my effort IN TRYING to express something that is mind bending at times, quantum science. lol. BJ |
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