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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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(untitled) |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ah Dad, I feel the stubble on your face. You need a shave and smell like cod, the fish We made our living from. We’re here, above The store, the roof, with you in whites and me In jeans and flannel shirt, the uniforms That kept us so apart. Can there be love At length, without acceptance, based on blood? Blood of fishes, fathers, sons? Ah, Jesus, Dad, you failed your dream, The music that you made unknown outside Our living room. Why did you take it out on me? You mad pianist, did, in truth, My presence short you of your dream? I know You played with Getz and Sonny Stitt. Morgana King destroyed your baby grand with one Enthusiastic Christmas Party leap. Why wasn’t that enough? Such memories Are lifelong things, or could have been. Was it A mouth to feed, my mouth to feed, that lead To fish-fueled mediocrity? I think you blew It Pops, and so did I. Was it disinterest Anger, or disdain that kept us so Apart? I blew it too. I cannot play Like you, no chance of maundering duet. As spirits on a roof, the dreamer and The dreamt, a chance of reconciliation Is perhaps in line. I’m sorry that You’re dead. I’m asking only one embrace. Acceptance of inconsequence that makes My life all right. Touch me, Dad, take my glasses off and kiss me on the head. I’ll kiss you back. There isn’t more than that. Jimbeaux [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (09-30-2008 05:41 PM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I’ll kiss you back. There isn’t more than that. ” Ocean, that is a very moving poem, a son getting closure with his father after he is dead. It happens real often , but some sons carry guilt (unnecessary guilt) for the rest of their life. I could talk about this one for a week . The forum is lucky it’s past my bed time, [This message has been edited by chopsticks (09-29-2008 08:02 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Moving indeed. I could identify with much of it except my dad was not a musician although he was a music lover. Also, for anyone wanting to know what blank verse is, this is a great example. I think I found about 4 lines that deviated. A couple of those were very effective in doing so. The others were not quite so esthetically pleasing. I'm sure Jim knows which lines but closer review might be a useful exercise for others who may not. Thanks pete |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Pete -- I fixed one deviant line, the next to last in the original version, and left the one below alone because it tickled me. "You played with Getz and Sonny Stitt. Morgana King destroyed your baby grand with one..." I found more than four deviations from the straight da-Dums, but they pass my sniff test, not to suggest there is anything wrong with your sniffer. The mechanics of the poem may be more interesting as an example of enjambment within a reasonably formal structure. I don't think there is a single un-enjambed line. and that was on purpose, though it doesn't particularly mean anything to work that way. Chopsticks: Thank you. Jimbeaux  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Since I'm really not qualified to comment on the fancy stuff, you know I won't. But I just had to say that this is one of the most touching poems I've read from you. Well, from anyone, actually. and like chops, I don't have much more to say about that. You just wrote a little masterpiece of the human condition. *hugs* |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Much warmth in the lines of this poem. And above a willingness to overcome the breach. Enjoyed Stephen |
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