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Critical Analysis #2
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I'm just some guy but I try
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I'm just some guy but I try |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
I'll wax and wane This heavens hells find worlds of wisdom down you're wells Their that re write took 3 minutes what you think yuk yuck? |
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| © Copyright 2008 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Absolute rubbish. (There, that critique took 5 seconds, what do YOU think?) |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Bill I'm making a serious point btw. If you'd like to discuss, I'm ready when you are!  M |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Every one's entitled to their opinion |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Very true Bill thank you  [This message has been edited by moonbeam (08-30-2008 05:20 AM).] |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
quote: Bill, The first thing that jumps out at me when I read any poem are misspelled words and gramatical errors. "heavens hell" should be "heaven's hell" and "you're wells" should be your wells. A contraction such as "you're" is short for you are. Is someone the well? If not, it is not correct. The second thing that jumped out at me was the following comment: quote: I didn't bother to spend much time on your poem after that. There are lots of people who can write poems quickly, that does not mean that our poetry is good. It simply means that we can write poetry quickly. Your comment was not necessary and it had errors in it. "Their" was improper usage, I believe you meant there. "re write" is rewrite. The entire sentence sounded mocking and was poorly constructed. I did read your poem several times and had no idea what you were writing about. You are going to find the words of wisdom down my wells? I just went through a flood. The only thing you are going to find down my well is contaminated water. Whose well are you referring to? If it is someone else's well, whose would that be? Who are you writing to? Finally, moonbeam gave a quick and blunt opinion that really said quite a bit. Why will anyone take time to critique a poem when the writer boasts that it took no time to write? I am taking longer and putting in more thought in my response than you put in your entire poem. I am spell checking as I go. I know you know who I am directing my response to. I think you understand my message. quote: "Every one's" is Everyone's We all know that opinions are like rectal holes and everyone has one. Why put your poem here if you don't want an opinion? Why post a poorly written poem and boast that you wrote it quickly? Why would anyone bother to write their thoughts you blow them off? Finally, why post on a Critical Analysis board if you don't want to know what people think about your work? My questions are serious - now I am off to spell check before I post this. I try to end speech evaluations on a positive note, but Bill, I can't end this evaluation on a positive note. Maybe if you make a serious attempt at writing your poetry (mocking comments at the end are a bit of a clue to the lack of being serious), you'll be more interested in what moonbeam has to offer. Just a thought before I trundle back to bed. Alison |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Well, Alison spent awhile saying what I couldn't be bothered to say, and probably much better than I would have said it anyway. Thanks Alison .I guess Bill, that having spent quite a long time writing a critique on your first version of this poem, /pip/Forum28/HTML/002319.html I didn't expect you to respond with a line which made it sound: 1 Like you had just tossed off a revision as a passing thought 2 Like you yourself thought it was rubbish Anyway I should learn not to "expect" I guess. M |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Alison, I think you can stop worrying about your ability to critique  |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
I'll wax and wane, read and reread, smile and pretend until those beautiful words, written, take hold. But this Earthly heaven is still a gold digger's hell seeking worlds of wisdom down unenlightened wells. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
It is pretty messed up The poem is about the push and pull of commitment. Commitment to some one with serious issues. About sticking with them until you and they find their true self again. The self before the heart becomes twisted and misshapen by the betrayals of this petty world. It's true in any relationship theirs always some effort and pain involved in winning the trust of another. But at the end of the journey There gazes the only truth you will ever find. That look across the universe Is that hopelessly romantic or what? Almost wretchable Let's see if I can straighten it out. I'll wax and wane through seven hells buy all the lies you have to sell eat all that's bitter and never tell joke through the days your demons dwell And then one day just this side forever where wounded words In battle fell rise worlds of wisdom from your wells O well I tried sometimes they just don't come together should have let this one go. Sounds like a doormat anyway. I do think the world needs more doormats though. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Bill, I'll be back to your poem. I told myself no more posting discussions and my thoughts here until I finish the poem I am writing for the Poetry Workshop. When I have completed it, I'll be back to this thread. Alison |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
quote: Hi Bill, I like that you keep coming back to this poem and working on it, and I think you have improved it a lot. Was this part of the poem or a comment added to the poem? quote: It was a really abrupt transition to me. You totally broke the rhythm and, honestly, I was confused. Maybe you can find a way to make it fit with the first part of the poem? Also, I had to look up what "wax and wane" meant - I have heard it mostly in refernce to the moon. Wax is to increase; wane is to decrease. Is that how you mean them in this poem? You are 'increasing and decreasing' through seven hells? I am fighting my way through meter and rhythm as I write my poems. Bob K wrote a great post in response to my rooster poem in this forum. You might want to read it. I get confused trying to sort the x's and /'s out sometimes, but I saved his words so I can study them and refer back to what he said. You also might want to peek into the Poetry Workshop sometime and go back to some of the earlier lessons that Balladeer started about a month ago. I can tell that you want to improve, and there are resources to help you. We all seem to have our favorite reference books. One of mine is "The Ode Less Travelled" by Stephen Fry. He uses a lot of humor in his writing but explains things pretty well. One last thought, I'd like to share with you. I bet we all came in with a preconceived idea of the quality of your poem based on the title, "I'm just some guy but I try". Is that a comment to what we are about to read or the actual title of your poem? Don't apologise. Let us read your work and make our own determinations. Even on the last post, you said that the poem is pretty messed up. How? Maybe you should ask yourself how it is messed up and try to fix it. If you can't, I'd post the poem and then say where you think you need help. I bet you would get more advice that could help you. Alison |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
"The Ode Less Travelled" by Stephen Fry Very funny man, very funny book, and yes informative too. He is though, quite conservative in his taste, and has an aversion to free verse even though he protests otherwise! So culture has reached Alaska after all! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Every one's entitled to their opinion “ Bill, since I have your permission here’s mine: I don’t think anyone knows the meaning of your poem. If they did, they would have blurted it out by now. I think it is a metaphor wrapped in a metaphor that gives us no clue. I don’t think you wrote it in 3 minutes. I think its been rolling around in your head for sometime. Now tell us what it means and we will all feel better. We can handle the truth. Btw, your last line I read as ~ Down you are wells~ Hold on I’ll go get another one I don’t understand either : It was midnight on the ocean Not a streetcar was in sight As I stepped into a drugstore To buy myself a light The man behind the counter Was a woman old and gray Who used to peddle shoestrings On the road to mandalay Good evening sir the woman said Her eyes were bright with tears As she put her head between her feet And stood that way for years Her children, six, were orphans Except one tiny tot Who lived in a house across the street Upon a vacant lot It was midnight on the ocean Not a horse car was in sight The sun was shining brightly For it rained all day that night Twas summer in the winter And the rain was snowing fast While a barefoot boy with shoes on Stood sitting in the grass This poem ~Barefoot boy with shoes on~ is the first poem I memorized. I didn't memorize this one: Many, many years ago when I was just twenty-three, I was married to a widow, she was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red And my father fell in Love with her. Soon they too were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law--changed my very life! My daughter was my mother because she was my father's wife! To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby he then became a brother-in-law to Dad. Well, that made him my uncle--made me very sad! Because if he was my uncle then he also was a brother To the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother. My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run. And, of course, he became my grandchild because he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me blue Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too! Now if my wife is my grandmother, well, then I am her grandchild, And every time that I think about this, it nearly drives me wild! Because now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw As husband of my grandmother, I’m my own grandpa! I'm my own grandpa! I'm my own grandpa! It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so! Oh, I'm my own grandpa! |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
It's polite to at least attempt to attribute. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
chopsticks, One reason that I didn't post here for some times is I would have to be accountable for what I write. There are only two boards that I know of that have held my feet to the fire (but then I think I still have no criique on my profile ... maybe that has something to do with it. Remind me to change that, please). I have a lot of poetry in this site that many might not understand. If it were on this board, I might be doing the same thing that Bill is doing. I assume that Bill wants to learn because he is working on this poem. Three minute poems are like three minute eggs - underdone and they run-on without directions some times. If Bill did not want critique, he wouldn't have posted here. I am not the best teacher, but if I don't understand (or even more, if I think the poem makes no sense), I am going to ask for clarification. Bill seems to think that the poem's meaning is lost some place - and I appreciate that he is helping me understand what he means. Thank you. Alison |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Alison, I don’t get your point by addressing that post to me. If I knew what you were trying to say, maybe I could give you an answer . What were you trying to say ? |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I have to have a point? chopsticks, Seriously, I am sorry. I read your post completely wrong - I thought you were saying that we just didn't understand his meaning. My apologies for going off the deep end in my response. A |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
No problem Alison, I was including myself in the anyone pronoun . I thought I had done it again. I replied to one of your poems without looking at your profile, I just assumed an old timer like you would not come to CA if they did not want feed back.. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Wax and wane refers to that look in the eye from affection to apathy the attachment |
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