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As It Did
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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As It Did |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL 
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Dreams fill my eyes As I pray each night For magical enchantment And my lover's sight Hope overcomes my world Counting countless blessings That have ceased to be Dillusion, my wounds dressing Fingertips burn with touch As emptiness drowns fears Again my river flows freely With remberance of past years Echoes of your voice ring out Tunes of promises broken Somehow my heart forgives Still buried in pillow, tear soaken Blood runs no more for you Eyes burn not again But still I love you always As a new hurt begins The hurt that screams no more Shall I wait in sorrow and pain No more asking questions Letting my pleas remain My moon will rise tonight And my sun will set this evening Always my heart will love yours As it did in the beginning |
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| © Copyright 2008 Jessica Langford - All Rights Reserved | |||
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jessica I could sit here and type out a list of what I consider to be the weaknesses of this poem; a plethora of abstract nouns and overused (cliche) phrases and words, would be high on that list - but I'm not going to! Instead I want to step back a bit and ask you if you posted here in CA simply to get advice on improving this particular poem, or whether you are interested in improving your writing generally? And when I say "improving" I mean learning to write in a way that conveys the sentiment and emotion that you obviously feel to a wider audience rather than just your nearest and dearest (including yourself!). Poets generally have a deal of sentiment and emotion welling up in them - if you read through the poems in the open forum or on other showcase poetry boards you'll find emotion by the bucketful. But I challenge you to remember many of those poems a week later! Learning HOW to express that emotion in ways which will make your poems stand out and be memorable is part of what a workshop forum is about. If you are interested in doing that then you might start by reading what I said here: /pip/Forum28/HTML/002332.html#6 Best M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jessica (me again!) Forgive me for coming back on this, but I was reading some of your work from way back. Interestingly you posted a poem in CA back in 2001 and received a critique from a poster who I very much respect, Hush. She said: "Hi Jessica. I think you seem to have a knack for working sounds together in words. I also think that your poem could have some real poetential if you broadened its horizons to encompass more dramatic language and techniques. for example, your opening lines: 'shattered dreams wreckless thoughts emotions lost through bitter tears' Wonderful flow. Overused words. Some of your rhyming works well, but in certain parts it seems forced especially in 'without experience you have not lived a full life what you suffer is what you learn in strife' I have come to despise the word 'strife' in poetry because a.) I have never once heard the word spoken aloud in conversation. It always looks so foreign on a page to me and b.) I often think the word was simply made up to rhyme with 'life', or occasionally 'knife'. I think that pair of words should go altogether. Other than that, I would suggest getting away form the broad concept words (bitter tears, hearts broken, never-ending void, anger, forgiveness, numb, hurt, dark, grief, soul, regrets, life, strife, suffer, mistakes, ocean of sorrow, etc,) because they don;t give the reader a specific impression of anything, and a vague poem means a weak poem, and a weak poem (or a poem that makes someone think 'oh, I've heard that before') is not a poem that's going to leave a lasting impression." Well Jessica that is a pretty good resume of what I think about your current poem too. I think you have made some progress  , but in order to make a leap forward you need to take a step back in my view. I'll tell you what I mean later if you respond to my earlier question and decide you want to progress.Best M |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Thank you so much. Yes, I want to improve my poetry in so many ways. I do feel a bit like one big cliche' and I want to change that. I have numeruous different poems on here from the time I was 14... So I really would like to know some of what you read. I haven't wrote in a long time so I'm pretty much struggling right now. That is exactly why I posted here. I know I have it in me, I just need to find my strengths and weeknesses. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jessica Do a search under your screen name including the archives. I've read all the poems that come up under such a search. Anyway moving on, it's probably better to more or less forget about your previous writing. May I ask: Are you reading any contemporary (modern) published poets right now? Have you read any in the past? If so who? Do you have any poetry handbooks? M |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
quote: I hope she has much higher taste and more ambition than to read only contemporary poets. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Ess I know, I know. But SHE is a contemporary poet, just for starters I happen to feel it would help her more to read what her published peers are writing than what somebody wrote a few 100 years ago. I'm NOT saying that she shouldn't also read more widely. It's not really a matter of taste, just time and expediency. M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I agree with you Ess. At twenty-two I don’t see the need for expediency. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Perhaps I should explain further Ess and also for you Jessica in case you are starting to get confused. It's really quite simple, I happen to believe that one of the fastest and easiest ways to learn to write better poetry in a style that is likely to find a wide audience today and is likely to find favour with publishers today, is to read a lot of modern poetry being written now and published now. I agree with Ess too, i.e. that you shouldn't neglect long dead poets either. It's just that reading modern works might be a better first step towards writing. I suppose it depends Jessica how much time you have on your hands and how much cash to buy books! If you are a busy and impecunious student for instance it might be more expedient to concentrate on a few good anthologies, which would have a mix of old and new maybe! "Staying Alive" by Neil Astley is a really good one. On the other hand if you are a twenty something unemployed heir to a few millions from Daddy, lazing around all day, then clearly expediency wouldn't be an issue.  Still waiting to hear back from you Jessica on my questions above. Later. M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Yes, I want to improve my poetry in so many ways” The above quote leads me to believe that Jessica won’t be looking for a publisher anytime soon. I think she should be reading all forms of poetry. I don't believe for a twenty-two year old, rich or poor, ~time is of the essence~. That’s all I was saying. |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Honestly, I have never owned a poetry book in my life; Pip is the extent of my reading right now. I love new and old poetry though. I don't have much money and I am a busy mom. Make suggestions most likely to be in the library. Sorry if my replies are limited, but I am definately reading and writing in my spare time. I'm trying to take "frames" of my life and write. More about what is around me and not what I am feeling. It's a completely different style than I am used to but I like it. Thank you all so much... Does anyone have yahoo or myspace messenger? It is so much easier to communicate that way to me. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I'm trying to take "frames" of my life and write. More about what is around me and not what I am feeling. “ Jessica, that is so smart . |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Well buy this: http://www.amazon.com/Palm-Your-Hand-Portable-Worksh op/dp/0884481492/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220600904&sr=1-1 In the Palm of Your Hand: The Poet's Portable Workshop (Paperback) by Steve Kowit (see Amazon link above, costs about $10.) Read it from cover to cover Jessica doing all the exercises. Then come back here and post a poem. Hopefully see you in about a month, with a new and exciting writing style! M |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Take a look at The English Poetry Database. The poetry is not "contemporary", but I have no doubt that you will be able to read, understand and enjoy most of the great works to be found there. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Yes Ess, that is a really wonderful resource. M |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Make suggestions most likely to be in the library. “ Here is a suggestion that I am sure that is in your local library: ~Best loved poems of the American people~ If there is not a copy in your library, let me know and I will send them one. Every time I see a copy for sale I buy it. |
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