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Critical Analysis #2

Attempt

mc
Member

since 1999-11-16

Posts 67
México

0 posted 2008-08-16 05:58 PM

Don't mind me !
It's my lonely and desperate soul
that placed in your face the face of love,
which it craves to find someday.

You have not wronged me.

mcestrada

[This message has been edited by mc (08-18-2008 12:59 PM).]

SkaaDee
Member

since 2008-04-07

Posts 116
Canada

1 posted 2008-08-16 10:19 PM

quite good.
I like short poems packed with thought
and the idea of projection is profound.

I think it would be a stronger poem if you completely removed the last line.
the reader gets the idea and I think you may need the word "it" between "which craves" . I may be wrong but I don't understand that line without "it",

mc
Member

since 1999-11-16

Posts 67
México

2 posted 2008-08-18 12:58 PM

Thanks for the suggestions... I will elimate the last line, and write an "it" where it belongs.

mcestrada

SkaaDee
Member

since 2008-04-07

Posts 116
Canada

3 posted 2008-08-31 10:10 PM

I think it is better this way.

I was thinking that maybe the world "face"
is over used in the third sentence.
the second "face" could be replaced with
something memorable.

"that placed in your face the ghost of love,"

... something like that.

I find that short poems need to get every
word working for them, like a startup small business.

mc
Member

since 1999-11-16

Posts 67
México

4 posted 2008-09-03 02:52 AM

Thanx for taking interest.. I will try to look for a word or words that complement that sentence, I like your idea.

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