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Critical Analysis #2
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In the shadow of a shadow on the shallow sea
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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In the shadow of a shadow on the shallow sea |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
This is a poem about an abused woman at work I see your eye's drift away As the clock takes its turn Laugh and love in a panic before the darkness returns |
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| © Copyright 2008 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
That's... Effective. I think I felt what you felt. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Problem I see Bill is that if you have to explain what the poem is about before even letting us read it then it probably doesn't say enough to be worthwhile. How about writing the poem so it speaks for itself? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the title is much more evocative and effective than the poem's body... has a great cadence- maybe work off of that. |
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dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
"This is a poem about an abused woman at work" I see your eye's drift away As the clock takes its turn Laugh and love in a panic before the darkness returns" Well I think you have a promising start here. I think your title is more of a reminder tag for you, for when you go back to it. Abused women, in my complete lack of experience, have about twelve senses for their abuser. This woman is very apprehensive. It's not what's going through her mind, but what's going through her nose, her ears, her mouth, her skin. Can she hear him walking toward her even when he's not? Can she smell his cheap cologne or soap? As the clock ticks and he gets closer, what do her combined senses make her feel? The poem has a very lovely cadence indeed, a very strong body Oh btw, it's "eyes" no apostrophe. I make that mistake all the time. |
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