»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
a poem of faith for deep critiquing
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
a poem of faith for deep critiquing |
|
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Hi, my name is Michael Pacholski. I'm from Decatur Illinois (we're that state roughly in the middle of a map that looks like a Dr. Scholl's insert, wide at one end, narrower at the other). So I am going to post this and then go off to read and critique several others. Take care. Any responses are welcome. Michael. Pale Offering Dear God I would send this poem to you but I am afraid I do not know how to make the poem fly to you I have tried feathers and mechanical wings I have tried balloons that crashed I have tried carving monuments when my hands have no gift with clay I even fastened feathers and huffed and puffed beneath them. The feathers I fastened were too airy and they drifted or the wax hardened and they fell and crashed. I tried to breathe beneath them and the feathers fell a little short of the mark. And I found my breath to be small and pale and flat too full of disease You would not want to breathe in heaven but a breath that even in disease wishes no more and no less than to please You with simple words. Are you there? Will you listen to words without feathers words without a song words carried on a breath full of illness words that have no wings? |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Michael Pacholski - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Michael ,welcome aboard . I won’t say anything about meter or count, but your poem needs a better ending . Maybe you could tell us just how it got to heaven . Obviously the feathers didn’t work. |
||
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Who said anything about the narrator going to heaven? It's not the narrator, it's the poem. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ It's not the narrator, it's the poem.” OK Michael, how did the poem get to heaven ? " I do not know how to make the poem fly to you" |
||
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Did the poem get to heaven, or did it fail to get there? I see the poem as being about asking whether or not God will listen to our weak, sickly and mortal little words despite the fact they can never fly to heaven either "really" or metaphorically. Or to be more precise, it's about hoping God will listen in spite of the weakness, limitations, and frailty of our selves and our words. At least that's what I was aiming for. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Did the poem get to heaven, or did it fail to get there?” Michael, that is precisely what I would like to know. Did you succeed or fail ? It may not matter to some , but I want to know whether to use them feathers or not.. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Michael, I just looked at your profile and saw that you don't encourage critiques, I guess I let that ~ For deep critiquing~ thingy throw me off. |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Michael- Thank you for the comments on my little ditty. One thing that you may want think about in a critical forum is that when one gives you comments, you are not fully expected to defend yourself. You are more expected to accept the comments and do with them what you will. No one says you have to follow the advice. Dane Girls like you always get to see Ireland. - Paulette Bonafonte, Legally Blonde: The Musical |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Drac, I agree with Speaks. However, there may be some exceptions. If I had said that you were silly, you may have taken an exception to that. To me your poem left us hanging, I was thinking of an ending that gave us closure . For example something like this : ~ I may have taken the wrong direction So on my knees I’ll make the connection~ |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I do not understand the two comments above. Michael did not come out to defend himself. He simply presented his side of what the poem was about, which was apparently misunderstood by some. it's always helpful to know the writer's intent. Chopsticks, the no critique box does not apply to the Critical Analysis forum. When one posts here, one is requesting critiques. I see the poem as a series of questions. Sometimes poems, and life, is like that. Having it end with questions,especially over a topic that has no answers, is acceptable, in my opinion. Closure is nice but not everything has closure. Sometimes, all we have are the questions. I think you did a good job in presenting that, Michael. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Closure is nice but not everything has closure.” Balladeer, I disagree with your quote, I think everything has closure. It’s how you get to closure that counts. I suggested to Michael that I thought his poem needed a different ending. I thought I was aloud to do that. I still think that a poem about God needs a firm ending. I think you and I have been through the god thing before. Anyhow, we both have our opinion. |
||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: I agree totally Mike. In fact I might go further and say, nothing has closure. But that might lead into a metaphysical discussion. Eek! Nice poem Michael. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello, chopsticks  Actually I wasn't referring to the 'god' thing at all. There are many things that have no endings but questions, like life itself. Of course you are 'aloud' to express opinions. That's what the forum is for. Michael will choose whether he agrees with it or not. I don't think his reply was an inability to accept a critique, rather an explanation of what the poem was about...that's all  |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Michael, let me tell you what I mean by closure, I mean the dictionary definition . Here is the top three in my dictionary: The act of closing; the state of being closed. A bringing to an end; conclusion. Being of completeness . I believe that everything in the universe will go through closure , but that is not a fact the same way as saying parallel lines never meet is not a fact, neither can be proven . They are both just assumptions . Btw Balladeer, I think life will go through closure. I sure hope I go through closure. Did I hear an amen from Moonbeam . |
||
|
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Not sure about moonbeam but I've lived long enough you don't get an amen from me. Since this is actually a discussion of opinions on this I'll stand with 'deer.  |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Larry, I’m not looking for amen from you, the one I was looking for from Moonbeam was my attempted at humor. Balladeer has had several opinions in this thread , so may I ask which one are you standing with. . Am I to believe that if you hadn’t lived so long that you may have given me an amen . Well, I am happy for your longevity and keep on doing what you are doing. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I'll agree, chopsticks, that everything eventually has closure. Some of those closures we are never going to be privileged to experience, however. Getting back to the poem before we go lapse into discussing the nature of the universe , it is noted you do not care for poetry that does not have closure, certainly a valid point. Perhaps others feel the same way and the poet can decide if he wants to keep it open as he has or close it in some way. In either case, he has gotten input to work with, which is what the forum is all about. |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Some of those closures we are never going to be privileged to experience, however.” You are right old pal and I hope I don’t get to see the end of time. At our ripe old age, me and Larry will be lucky to see the end of this thread. |
||
|
dracula68 Junior Member
since 2008-09-07
Posts 30Illinois |
Wow, it seems like I struck up a bit of a conversation here. That's cool. The poem here is not going to bring closure. Some of mine do. That was a very useful first comment. I went back and made sure that the poem couldn't be construed to be about someone who's dying. Anyway I normally don't try to talk too quickly or too soon about my intentions for the poem, believing of course that the words of the poem should serve that purpose. But the question compelled a response. Closure: -- some of my poems do have I guess a stronger sense of closing the book, moving on. And some don't. This one called to be left open because the narrator -- and frankly, yes, the author too -- still doesn't know the answers. I know what words I could put in to get a closure, something Rumi-esque ecstatic, or something Dante-sublime. But they would, in this case, ring false simply because I don't know the answers. I like it when poets can create poems about not knowing. And on a side note I think it's also very cool that poems about faith and God can be posted. So few publishers want them. I'm not the worlds most religious person. I did receive a rejection letter from one magazine that said (not to this poem) "this is very good, but there's too much God" And I only referred to her once! True story. |
||
|
nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
"I did receive a rejection letter from one magazine that said (not to this poem) "this is very good, but there's too much God" And I only referred to her once! True story."  Made me smile~~ M |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
