navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » Search Hope Dream (Repost from Open)
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic Search Hope Dream (Repost from Open) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2008-04-23 10:21 PM



Sunshine gave me good advice to post this here to get some analysis, I am open to that, Thank you.

Searching,
for the missing pieces.
Hoping,
for the distant races.
Dreaming,
for the peaceful wishes.

Wonder, imagination.
Fallen, abandoned nations.
Crying, wounded soldiers.

Searching,
for the missing pieces.
Hoping,
for the distant races.
Dreaming,
for the peaceful wishes.

Surrendered, innocence.
Blind, tainted mercy.
Trying, another plan.

Searching,
for the missing pieces.
Hoping,
for the distant races.
Dreaming,
for the peaceful wishes.

Placing, blame.
Fighting, anothers war
Breaking, down barriers.

Searching Hoping Dreaming
for the missing pieces
for the distant races
for the peaceful wishes
Searching Hoping Dreaming

© Copyright 2008 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2008-04-27 08:47 PM


This has a kind of villanesque (I don't know what the adective form of villanelle is) feel to it.

I like that.

Two quick points:

1. I get the feeling that you're letting a certain grammar structure control your syntax. I would vary it a bit.

searching for . . .

hoping for . . .

dreaming for . . .

sounds forced to my ear.

2. It feels like an anti-war poem. That's fine but one of the problems with war poems in general is that they are, often enough, too general. I think you need to be more specific. What was the trigger point for this poem?

I don't mean to be condescending but I am told that I need to define some of the words I use more clearly so hear it goes:

villanelle: a set poetic form, this one you'll have to look up, sorry, but DT's "Do not go gentle . . ." is the most famous one.

syntax: the arrangement of words

trigger point: this one is my own invention and then I discovered that a lot of old, dead guys stole it from me. You know, old, dead guys really get on my nerves like that.

Nevertheless, the trigger point is what caused you to write the words that you did when you did. A lot of times, if you can remember that point, you can rethink a poem through that point and make it more specific.

If you already knew this stuff, please don't be offended. I'm trying to please other people.

Good luck.

moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

2 posted 2008-08-06 02:17 PM


One day you'll be an ODG Brad, and then you'll be able to steal all those ideas, just think!

Anyway, talking about triggers, if anyone hasn't read Richard Hugo's "The Triggering Town" they should.  Specially those of us locked in the grip of the dreaded block.  It's a great and entertaining series of essays.  (And I am not Richard Hugo Ess!)

Oh and Kellie, it would be nice to hear back from you as to what you thought about Brad's comments.

Did he help?
Did you learn anything?
Was it a waste of time posting here?

CA thrives on feedback.

M

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2008-08-06 05:33 PM


I knew Brad would pop in!


Stephanos
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA
4 posted 2008-08-06 10:41 PM


To a novice's ear like mine, I feel that the repitition (though relating to the form) is overdone.  And I agree with Brad about moving into the description of specifics.  Otherwise good theme, structure, and possibilities.


Stephen.

Gabe
Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17

5 posted 2008-08-14 08:36 AM


Kellie,

I personally like the repetition.  I can think of several ways this might even be put to music, with the repeating lines serving as a chorus.  I do see what Stephanos is saying.  The repetition might be overdone, but only because the lines in between seem underdeveloped.  The words you chose for the non-repeating lines undoubtedly bring images to your mind.  If your purpose is to allow the reader to fill in the blanks and, in a sense, make this poem their own, then I’m not sure you should change much of anything.  You do seem to have a natural grasp of rhythm, so, in my opinion, you should consider sharing with us the pictures that flash in your mind when you read, “Crying, wounded soldiers” or “surrendered innocence”, for example.  You would probably do this very well.

One small grammatical error in “anothers”.  I think you wanted it to be a possessive.

That’s about all I can offer for now.  When I read poetry, I personally enjoy being taken into the poet’s world and experiencing something of what the poet experienced when writing it.  Maybe this is what Brad meant by “trigger point”, but I am not familiar with the term.  I realize this won’t, or shouldn’t, always be desirable but, for your poem, I believe giving us more would be a good thing.

G

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York
6 posted 2008-09-16 04:19 AM


As soon as I am done shooting the video I will submit the youtube link!


chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
7 posted 2008-09-16 10:13 AM


Hi Kellie, it seems you are explaining that war and not so much as an anti-war poem.

I like your poem  it explains that war from the start to the present.

I would drop the last stanza or maybe make it one line.

I am calling the last five lines a stanza and not a refrain.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
8 posted 2008-09-17 03:41 PM


Kellie, this is my take on the first stanza. The more I read it , the more outstanding it gets .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wonder :
Was there/their weapons of mast destruction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Imagination :
Do I need to explain this one ? ( those sixteen words in the state of the union message )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fallen, abandoned nations:
The USA was a fallen nation not all, but most of the world was against that war
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crying, wounded soldiers :
The first tear jerker in the first days of that war was about a female soldier that when the special forces came to the hospital to get the wounded soldiers she thought they were going to leave without her and she started crying and said,” I’m an American soldier too.” I believe those few words made her a war hero and a millionaire.


[This message has been edited by chopsticks (09-17-2008 10:09 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
9 posted 2008-09-18 09:03 AM


Here is my take on the second stanza:


Surrendered , innocence.
Iraq lost the war and the statues were toppled and the people of Iraq mostly became collateral damage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind, tainted mercy.
Abu Ghraib of 2003 and 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trying, another plan.
The troop serge of 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I know you can hardly wait for my take on the last stanza, I’m working on it .


chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
10 posted 2008-09-18 07:13 PM



This is the last of the trilogy. ( Do I hear an amen ? )


Placing, blame.
You didn’t start that war and it wasn’t me, it was that man behind the tree. ( Huey Long )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fighting, anothers war
Some of the troops in Iraq are going to Afghanistan ( Where they should have been all the
time )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breaking, down barriers.
Not to sure about this one but barriers are coming down all over the world. Obama is a good example in the USA

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » Search Hope Dream (Repost from Open)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary