just wondering what you think

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not alive nemore
New Member

since 2008-04-22

Posts 3

0 posted 2008-04-22 12:22 PM

hey im new here and i was just wondering what you guys think of this because i know nothing about poems at all ive never written one before. feel free to be as harsh as you want about it or as nice as you want it wont bother me

It was the day I came in for an interview
It was the day that i first saw you
It was the day that i first looked into your eyes
It was the day that i was mezmorized
It was the day ive come to mourn
Because I know love will not be born
It was today that I knew
Not all dreams do come true
It was today that I see
Me and you can never be

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

1 posted 2008-04-22 11:12 AM

I don't usually do this, because I don't consider my opinion even remotely close to "the" opinion...to me it's all basically in the eyes of the reader/writer...

with that said, I will tell you I liked the "story" or the plot, if you will, a lot..

I would advise maybe a spell check and a little grammar clean up (I fail at grammar)...but the inconsistent capital "I" and lower case "i" took away from the reading for me....and the last line needs a bit of a grammar clean up as well....

I think you have some real good instincts so keep writing and welcome to pip.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Britt_Brat
Junior Member

since 2008-03-05

Posts 37
Knoxville, TN

2 posted 2008-04-22 02:44 PM

This is really good. I can clearly see the emotion in it. If you work at it a little more you could become a graet poet. Welcome to Pip, I to have only just join. Good luck

im lost in a world of love

Seoulair
Senior Member

since 2008-03-27

Posts 807
Seoul S.Korea

3 posted 2008-04-22 06:43 PM

Yes, the emotion is very clear. A nice one. Keep writing

A warm welcome to this wonderful site.

not alive nemore
New Member

since 2008-04-22

Posts 3

4 posted 2008-04-22 07:29 PM

thanks for the feedback. yea me and spelling/grammar have never mixed ever....

ilsm
Member

since 2008-04-13

Posts 61
UK

5 posted 2008-04-22 08:36 PM

It's basically good, but I bet if you sat down and rewrote it, you'd make it twice as good.

Spelling and grammar need to be taken in hand (or rejected outright).

Rhyme is good, but it can make what you write stilted, and I think that happened here. (Try rhyming alternate lines leaving the lines in between unrhymed - or any other pattern you like).

Make the lines as long or as short as they need to be to "sound right". Don't insert unnecesary words just to add a beat. "The birds do sing sweetly" might have sounded good in Mediaeval England, but that "do" is redundant in modern English.

Don't change the meaning of the poem: love that is lost before it can flower is a favourite for all poets.

I look forward to the re-write.

ILSM

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