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Critical Analysis #2
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blood on the wall
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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blood on the wall |
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fitz1901 Junior Member
since 2008-04-19
Posts 16Michigan, USA |
This poem is definitley not turning out as well as I would like it too. So hopefully I can use you to whip it into shape  My newest poem. I'm considering this still in progress, so If anything bugs you at all, FIRE AWAY!!!! enjoy Blood on the wall " There’s blood on the wall" Mrs. Tips shrieked and then came the neighbors, running across the street Through the door, through the hall, through the kitchen, damn it all staring in awe; overjoyed and appalled at the atrocity on the wall and soon, reporters, newspapers, camera's, magazines flooded the women’s house to see her catastrophe through the door, through the hall, through the kitchen, to see the flaw a glorified, nationwide, media frenzy Mrs. Tips drowned in popularity and soon the Sheriff marched into the house of Mrs. Tips a cigar protruding rudely through his cancer ridden lips through the door, through the wall, through the kitchen. to see the wall and the sheriff, with a stall, as grim as a funeral pall cried out " there’s blood on the wall!!" And so came detective Jones, straight from Scotland yard his face severely marred, came to make Mrs. Tips a star through the door through the wall, through the kitchen, to see it all one quick glance and without restraint, barked his judgment " tis only red paint" And the town was in shock suffering agony profound, its call to fame shattered miserably on the ground through the door, through the wall, through the kitchen we all fall Throughout the crowds, the mob, the paparazzi No one was able to see the corpse lying limp underneath |
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| © Copyright 2008 fitz1901 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ilsm Member
since 2008-04-13
Posts 61UK |
This is a good story, but you have to knock the poem into better shape now. Settle on a good rhythm and stick to it. And proper rhymes would improve it too. If you're resourceful, you might even find a couple of 2-syllable rhymes which will really help (if you find a 3-syllable rhyme, I'll call you a show-off - lol). Keep to the point, if you deviate from it, you'll weaken the whole effect - this poem must move inexorably from beginning to end. So don't be afraid to cut out anything that isn't directly relevant. Finally check your grammar, spelling and correct names: Scotland Yard has a capital Y. Hope this helps |
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fitz1901 Junior Member
since 2008-04-19
Posts 16Michigan, USA |
Well I tried to delete this poem the other day because I realized that it was even more hopeless than I thought. So considering that I don't want this poem to be on here yet your review was very kind and uplifting thanks. This poem is still heavily in progress |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
this poem isn't hopeless, it's pretty good. I'll critique a bit later. |
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