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Critical Analysis #2

litter from a vacation

poddarku
Senior Member

since 2008-01-15

Posts 589
india

0 posted 2008-04-20 05:13 AM

Litter from a vacation
------------------
He succumbs to darkness descending at distance.
Hourglass is soon to be upturned once again.
The sensors open themselves to the vacation.
The sound of furious water of the fall is
Near. The travel guidebook, dog-eared, is being
Eaten by moss. The village lass. A sheaf of corns.
He returns to sky and dwell on a sun like a
Thawing softy. Rings of a defective cycle
Make him turn to this earth, green and golden. Sounds
Of treasures fills his soul and still he is to be
Wiped out from this landscape of calm infinity.
Only leftover from his bad habits ‘ll litter.

clever talks delay friendship!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-04-27 08:53 PM

It took me a second, but I quite like this slice of life piece. It may be too choppy for some, you keep enjambment to a minimum and probably use too many periods.

Still, I get stuck here:

quote:
Sounds
Of treasures fills his soul and still he is to be
Wiped out from this landscape of calm infinity.
Only leftover from his bad habits ‘ll litter.

I think it's clear that there has been a kind of shift or rupture from one 'dream-like' to reality, a rude awakening so to speak, but I don't see what did that.

I don't understand that last line. Maybe rework it a bit?

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