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twittersnitch
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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twittersnitch |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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He woke. He saw my candles lit; and just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch and asked me: "Why would you have church?" "I'm praying," whispered mesmerist, "Tonight I feel the needs of men." Abrupt, he blew out all the flames: "Tell them that I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again." I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I smiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." * * * Okay, I'm hoping to get some feedback on the opening here, as well as the first line of the second verse. This is an old one from way back, and I've reposted this version in Open as well. He woke and saw my candles lit and just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch and asked me "Why would you have church?" "I'm praying." I, the pragmatist. "Tonight I feel the needs of men." Abrupt, he blew out all the flames: "Tell them that I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again." I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I smiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." * * * Somebody stop me. I can't leave the edit button alone so something is not quite right for me.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
If I were in your slippers and couldn't quite hide my urge to edit this, all I would add to this is an actual clue to this mesmerist's facial features, because I detect the wriest of grins...and a determined glint in her eye. Oh so much more than just "I smile". |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Alrighty...I'm busted. This is one of my "true serenity" stories, but the exchange wasn't all--well maybe it was sardonic, but it was playful too. But--you like the one with "mesmerist"? I'm not so crazy about mesmerist. *frown* But I don't like the second one because of the repetitious "and and". I mean, repetition is okay by me--I'm sure people who know me well are laughing at that too--but in the poetry I try to utilize it only as a device. Much as Brad did with the word "that" in (I think it's stanza six) of his poem "Aldo". That was a good use of repetition as device. More than good, it was spot on for the content. But anyhow-- So maybe I combine the two? Let me take my leg for a walk and think about it some more. Thank you Kari!  OH. And I'll think about the "smiled". You're right. That's just lame. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
No, I really like the pragmatist line better; perhaps because I am one.  I'd take a walk, too, but it's RAINING.... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Karen, I think they both flow and work very well. In the first version, it almost seems the mesmerist should be capitalized, like it's being used as a person's name or at least a proper noun substituting for a name. Both versions could probably use a little work cleaning up the punctuation. I think you break it up more than necessary. In the second version, I don't really have any problem with the repetition of and. And is usually a poor word to repeat in that it adds little of value. In this case though, it just seems natural and almost unnoticeable until you pointed it out. All-in-all, I am having a hard time chosing between the two versions. I do like Karliae's idea of somehow emphasizing that "wry smile" but I would be very careful to not disturb the fine flow and rhythm you have going here. Hey wait. I thought you claimed to not understand rhythm. Or was that meter? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
ohhhhhhhhmyyyyy... if it's rhythm, I can dance. If it's meter, it gets all mathy in my head. Now. I am going for that walk. (I couldn't find anything to wear...and there's like...PEOPLE out there.  )*laughing* thank you Pete! I'm going to try to find a way to make it work. I kind of like Mesmerist--it sounds so...authorative that way.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Okay. Karen got out of the house. You'll be amused to know, Pete, that the whole way there, my footsteps went Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum. It was maddening. But here's our compromise: He woke to see my candles lit and just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch. He asked me, "Why would you have church?" "I'm praying." whispered Mesmerist. "Tonight I feel the needs of men." Abrupt, he blew out all the flames: "Tell them that I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again," I warned him as he left the room. "Who knows?" I wiled and trimmed the wicks. "I might have prayers for you." * * * Now the punctuation? I kept playing with a semi-colon after "lit" in the first stanza. I added the italics to the "you" in the last line because that was how I said it. And I'm grinning a bit. Kari? I just took the smile out completely and put a little witchy spin on it.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
That little witchy spin fit the Mesmerist perfectly! and I like the fact that you italicized "you". Gives it a little more umph. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Kari? Thank you. I would not have given the smile thing a second thought, and I really like re-purposing words, and that one is kind of fun. Now I'm waiting for Pete to come in here and tell me, "um...no." Can I get back in my mu mu now?  (I've got really great caftans, Kari. I walk around the house like Endora!  ) |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I've had a few great caftans in my life, too...my favorite one is a black silk, designed with some wonderful mardi-gras colors! Where's Pete?  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, I'm smiling too, daDum, daDum, daDum, indeed. I said before it worked well for me. Your new wording is probably a little cleaner, fewer thought breaks and all. You've also perfected the punctuation. I really can't see anything I would like changed. Now, for another point. It's getting really hot around here. If you don't get dressed, you must at least quit telling me about it.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
YAY!  Does this mean that I got a happy ending? COLD CASE: SOLVED  (Um, I dunno if she's ever been in here before, but I'll sneak her out the back way.) Thanks you two! |
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SkaaDee Member
since 2008-04-07
Posts 116Canada |
Hi Serenity I like this poem - it stirs my imagination. I only quickly glanced at the previous comments so I may be repeating. I would just smooth it a bit. eg. He awoke - saw candles lit; just because I am "the witch" he laughed a nervous twittersnitch. then asked: "Why have church?" "I'm praying," whispered mesmerist,(excellent word) "Tonight I feel the needs of men." (most important line. I wish I understood it better) in abrupt, he blew all the flames: "Tell them I said 'Amen.'" "Candles can be lit again." (I love how this line rhymes with the last of the preious stanza ) I warned as he left the room. "Who knows?" was my smile and trimmed the wicks. "I may have prayers for you." .... but it really is lovely the way it already is. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nodding, it had some subtle problems, and you wouldn't think it was enough to bother me, but it did. Read my last comment, my final version is there, and let me know how you like it. I really love this place. And thanks, lovie, for you offering, because that first verse was giving me fits too. |
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