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Bill Shirnberg
Member

since 2007-10-28

Posts 50
USA AOK

0 posted 2008-03-30 04:44 PM

This side of the midnights
Got no sinners no saints
in the is what it is
Tell it ain't what it ain't
Go on and talk to them shadows
When you turn out your light
But them devils ain't buyin
What your sellin tonight

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2008-03-31 03:49 AM

I really like the raw emotional honesty in all your work, Bill.
Though each of your short poems can stand alone,
my suggestion would be to work on expanding them
to give the reader more than just a brief glimpse
of the picture. Give them a chance to linger a bit
longer in the atmosphere and soak it in.

I quickly combined lines from some of your poems
to give you a rough idea of what I mean. Just a
suggestion. Hope it helps.

This side of the midnights
Got no sinners no saints
in the is what it is
Tell it ain't what it ain't

Go on and talk to them shadows
When you turn out your light

But them devils ain't buyin
What your sellin tonight
This night sings truth
As far I see

As the angels pierce sound
Through the rarefied air
my fears and doubts
divide my despair

and the air tastes of rust
when I breathe something bleeds

got no time to spare
So I'm go'n where I go
When I'm go'n no where
As far I see

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2008-04-01 08:36 PM

Curious if you received my e-mail.

Same thing can be said here. You need to work on development.

badboypoet
Member

since 2008-03-11

Posts 96

3 posted 2008-04-02 02:34 AM

I dig this. Reads like a country or blues song, has that beat to it.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

4 posted 2008-04-02 10:46 AM

I’ve got an admission to make, I’m a closet editor, a serial re-writer. Whenever I see a poem that sparks something, or gets my attention I stick it into Word and start playing with it. It’s not restricted to poems posted in these forums either, I’ve mutilated some of the most famous poets of the last two hundred years.

I just thought I’d let you know that yours was one of my victims, if it’s any consolation though I only select poems I like and I liked this one.

Brad mentioned development, which is one path, I’d suggest un-development as an alternative, see how far you can pare it down and still keep the core theme.

Another bit of advice is to make more of the title - in such a short poem the title is a fairly large proportion of the total number of words you have available it’d be crazy not to utilize them more.

How about:

Prayers of the Lost

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