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Critical Analysis #2
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Essorant
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since 2002-08-10
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Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2008-03-11 12:37 PM


The Writ


With writing's knife,
With words and breath,
I took my life
And wrote to death.

The writ was read
Out of the black
Then from the dead
Death wrote me back.



© Copyright 2008 Essorant - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
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Florida's Foreverly Shores
1 posted 2008-03-11 10:20 AM


Essorant~
I thought that this was brilliant~

There have certainly times when I've felt like I'd expire from writing~
So many thoughts ... so little time~

And from beyond ... my words will rise from the dead of me ... and seek others out~

Applause to you~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email -             noles1@totcon.com   

Balladeer
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2 posted 2008-03-11 01:28 PM


Excellent write, sir. Short, precise and with a good message.

The only line I have trouble with is "Out of the black". You use strong iambic beginning every line but that one and the change kills the effect for me.

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
3 posted 2008-03-11 07:49 PM


ESS:  Very good, pithy poem! Straightfoward with no affectation.  One of your strengths, maybe underutilized.

Best, Jimbeaux

e-ReK
Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15

4 posted 2008-03-11 09:40 PM


as the others said, short and to the point.

this was very enjoyable, felt like a childrens rhyme.  it doesnt need much more improvement other than what ^^^ said.

Essorant
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since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
5 posted 2008-03-12 02:48 AM


Marge and all,

Thanks very much for your kind words.

I see what you mean with "Out of".  Should the line be changed, or is the flaw small enough not to interfere too much?


Brad
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since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2008-03-12 04:11 AM


A flaw?

I though you did it on purpose, Ess.

I like it!

Not A Poet
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since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2008-03-12 11:20 AM


I'm just agreeing with everyone else here Ess. I know it can be hard to express much in so few words but you have done well with this one. Like Brad, I rather enjoyed the "out of" line. It does change the rhythm a bit but I too found it refreshing.

Balladeer
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8 posted 2008-03-12 03:18 PM


I would think it should be changed but don't know how. I would suggest "From out the black" except that, in the next line you use "from the dead"...not sure if that is overworking "from" too much.

On the other hand, no one else has found fault with the line so maybe it's just me and doesn't really need changing.

Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

9 posted 2008-03-12 06:04 PM




Dear Essorant,

          It's a fine poem as it is.

     If, however, you want to push on with it a bit, yes, you can do that.  Balladeer noticed the rhythm with line six.  I don't know the issue needs to be the rhythms so much as the sense, but whatever the issue may actually be something tipped at least two of us to something in line six that's off track.

     My sense of the writ read out of the black is awkward; I'm uncertain what you mean.  Your use of Passive Voice gives us little idea who was reading the writ to whom.  The action is not illuminated, and in a poem this short and incisive I want my darkness visible.

     In line three, "I took my life" uses the dual meaning to push forward the text and action of the poem.  Being such a short poem, I don't think the duality works.  In a short poem, what I would hope for would be a clear line of narration with a strong primary meaning with secondary meanings emerging after an initial reading.  I wouldn't want the initial reading to get fragmented, to prevent the formation of an initial Gestalt for a short piece, with which emergent secondary readings could then be used to produce modulations and variations.

     If the formation of an initial Gestalt is prevented, the sense of the form of the poem in the mind of the reader may be somewhat flawed.

     You know this is no law, but it can be a consideration in the composition.  It depends on the effect you're hoping for, or experimenting and attempting to create.  You can try two versions and look at them side by side, and see what works best for the poem this poem wants to become.

     Also, back to the original point, part of the issue is the sort of encounter with death the poem requires.  If you already know the answer, I suspect the poem will suffer for it.  The fact that the poem is still struggling with these technical issues says to me that the poem is trying to come to some sort of authentic and surprising place, even if the place itself ends up to be a familiar one arrived at through its own particular pathway.

    Or not.  But it's a different way of thinking of things, I hope.  And I hope it may prove useful.

     Clearly it's fine stuff, and you should be congratulated for it, even if you change nothing.

Grinch
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since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
10 posted 2008-03-12 07:02 PM



The repetition of “with” in lines one and two was a little disappointing, especially as the piece is so short.

I’d be tempted to replace the second with “by”.

Line six is a bit of a problem and I think the issue is the word “black”, it’s as if the whole line is being twisted to hit the rhyme to line up the last line. Perhaps you can find another word that fit’s the rhyme scheme without twisting the meaning too much.

Other than that I liked it enough to reply.


Essorant
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since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
11 posted 2008-03-13 04:00 AM


Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  

In stanza two, the word read means read, but it also means "red" as with the blood from the deed of stanza one.   Since being read is also a reviving aspect in the second stanza, the red is also meant in a sense of red blood/vigour/love giving life.  

"Out of the black" means "out of the ink"  but also in a postive sense "read and experienced out of the ink on the page by reading it, and thereby making more of it than just ink".  

Both are meant to express death in one aspect, but life in another.  Does that make it clearer?



oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
12 posted 2008-03-13 12:07 PM


ESS:  The more I continue to re-read this, the more I appreciate the underlying craft.  I didn't see BobK's problems with the metaphor "out of the black."   It struck me as a clear and precise image.  But then, that's why its a ball game. And a game of life and death.

Jimbeaux

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
13 posted 2008-03-13 01:43 PM


Not a metaphor, Jim, just a more poetic way of referring to "ink".  Just like John Lydgate uses liquor (lycour) to mean ink in the Prologue of Troy Book:

So be myn helpe in this grete nede
To do socour my stile to directe
And of my penne the tracys to correcte
Whyche bareyn is of aureat lycour...




oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
14 posted 2008-03-13 02:24 PM


Hi ESS:  Thanks!  Another one of my gaffes.

We've been agreeing on more things than not, lately.  Is that ominous?

Best, Jimbeaux

Bob K
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since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

15 posted 2008-03-14 03:03 AM


Dear Essorant,

           We part about the "making it clearer" question.

            I think if it's not there for the reader, it simply doesn't work.  Like explaining a joke in the hopes of producing a spontaneous laugh.  No shame on the writer, no shame on the reader; it's a matter of lack of fit between the poem and the reader.

     Perhaps the intellectual explanation should stand in for the gut level click of recognition for me.  I appreciate the information and your concern for being clear, though, and your willingness to put yourself out.  As I said before, the poem is really fine as it stands; my suggestion was only in case you wanted to think about something...what?...in addition?   I'm not sure, really.

     And the praise you've gotten is well earned indeed.



Bill Shirnberg
Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50
USA AOK
16 posted 2008-03-30 04:37 PM


Short and bitter the perfect pair in my estimation
Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

17 posted 2008-03-31 11:01 PM


Dear Bill S.,

          I have no idea what you're talking about.

     What ARE you talking about?

     Curiously yours, BobK.

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