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Critical Analysis #2
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The Writ
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Writ |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The Writ With writing's knife, With words and breath, I took my life And wrote to death. The writ was read Out of the black Then from the dead Death wrote me back. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Essorant - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Essorant~ I thought that this was brilliant~ There have certainly times when I've felt like I'd expire from writing~ So many thoughts ... so little time~ And from beyond ... my words will rise from the dead of me ... and seek others out~ Applause to you~  *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Excellent write, sir. Short, precise and with a good message. The only line I have trouble with is "Out of the black". You use strong iambic beginning every line but that one and the change kills the effect for me. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
ESS: Very good, pithy poem! Straightfoward with no affectation. One of your strengths, maybe underutilized. Best, Jimbeaux  |
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e-ReK Junior Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 15 |
as the others said, short and to the point. this was very enjoyable, felt like a childrens rhyme. it doesnt need much more improvement other than what ^^^ said. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Marge and all, Thanks very much for your kind words. I see what you mean with "Out of". Should the line be changed, or is the flaw small enough not to interfere too much? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A flaw? I though you did it on purpose, Ess. I like it! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm just agreeing with everyone else here Ess. I know it can be hard to express much in so few words but you have done well with this one. Like Brad, I rather enjoyed the "out of" line. It does change the rhythm a bit but I too found it refreshing. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I would think it should be changed but don't know how. I would suggest "From out the black" except that, in the next line you use "from the dead"...not sure if that is overworking "from" too much. On the other hand, no one else has found fault with the line so maybe it's just me and doesn't really need changing. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Essorant, It's a fine poem as it is. If, however, you want to push on with it a bit, yes, you can do that. Balladeer noticed the rhythm with line six. I don't know the issue needs to be the rhythms so much as the sense, but whatever the issue may actually be something tipped at least two of us to something in line six that's off track. My sense of the writ read out of the black is awkward; I'm uncertain what you mean. Your use of Passive Voice gives us little idea who was reading the writ to whom. The action is not illuminated, and in a poem this short and incisive I want my darkness visible. In line three, "I took my life" uses the dual meaning to push forward the text and action of the poem. Being such a short poem, I don't think the duality works. In a short poem, what I would hope for would be a clear line of narration with a strong primary meaning with secondary meanings emerging after an initial reading. I wouldn't want the initial reading to get fragmented, to prevent the formation of an initial Gestalt for a short piece, with which emergent secondary readings could then be used to produce modulations and variations. If the formation of an initial Gestalt is prevented, the sense of the form of the poem in the mind of the reader may be somewhat flawed. You know this is no law, but it can be a consideration in the composition. It depends on the effect you're hoping for, or experimenting and attempting to create. You can try two versions and look at them side by side, and see what works best for the poem this poem wants to become. Also, back to the original point, part of the issue is the sort of encounter with death the poem requires. If you already know the answer, I suspect the poem will suffer for it. The fact that the poem is still struggling with these technical issues says to me that the poem is trying to come to some sort of authentic and surprising place, even if the place itself ends up to be a familiar one arrived at through its own particular pathway. Or not. But it's a different way of thinking of things, I hope. And I hope it may prove useful. Clearly it's fine stuff, and you should be congratulated for it, even if you change nothing. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
The repetition of “with” in lines one and two was a little disappointing, especially as the piece is so short. I’d be tempted to replace the second with “by”. Line six is a bit of a problem and I think the issue is the word “black”, it’s as if the whole line is being twisted to hit the rhyme to line up the last line. Perhaps you can find another word that fit’s the rhyme scheme without twisting the meaning too much. Other than that I liked it enough to reply. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. In stanza two, the word read means read, but it also means "red" as with the blood from the deed of stanza one. Since being read is also a reviving aspect in the second stanza, the red is also meant in a sense of red blood/vigour/love giving life. "Out of the black" means "out of the ink" but also in a postive sense "read and experienced out of the ink on the page by reading it, and thereby making more of it than just ink". Both are meant to express death in one aspect, but life in another. Does that make it clearer? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
ESS: The more I continue to re-read this, the more I appreciate the underlying craft. I didn't see BobK's problems with the metaphor "out of the black." It struck me as a clear and precise image. But then, that's why its a ball game. And a game of life and death. Jimbeaux  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Not a metaphor, Jim, just a more poetic way of referring to "ink". Just like John Lydgate uses liquor (lycour) to mean ink in the Prologue of Troy Book: So be myn helpe in this grete nede To do socour my stile to directe And of my penne the tracys to correcte Whyche bareyn is of aureat lycour... |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi ESS: Thanks! Another one of my gaffes. We've been agreeing on more things than not, lately. Is that ominous? Best, Jimbeaux |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Essorant, We part about the "making it clearer" question. I think if it's not there for the reader, it simply doesn't work. Like explaining a joke in the hopes of producing a spontaneous laugh. No shame on the writer, no shame on the reader; it's a matter of lack of fit between the poem and the reader. Perhaps the intellectual explanation should stand in for the gut level click of recognition for me. I appreciate the information and your concern for being clear, though, and your willingness to put yourself out. As I said before, the poem is really fine as it stands; my suggestion was only in case you wanted to think about something...what?...in addition? I'm not sure, really. And the praise you've gotten is well earned indeed. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Short and bitter the perfect pair in my estimation |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Bill S., I have no idea what you're talking about. What ARE you talking about? Curiously yours, BobK. |
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