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Self Inflicted Hate
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Self Inflicted Hate |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
She grinds her heel, stigmata through my fate, like some medusa snakes and all. I should have guessed that pretty lace could mask the woman that she is. Suspicion crept but dawned too late to catch this dead man in his fall; too late to side-step, alter pace, to pray the hooks may slip or miss. Cold faced she twists the blade within my back, an Amazon, if Amazons could worry stone. I should have known those kisses hid sharp teeth, a bitter bite to brand me in defeat. She marshalled all in her attack, sliced flesh for chance to shatter bone; tore scalp to bury scent beneath, I learned but turned too late in my retreat. Soft hair and eyes that whisper at my sin, an angel staring at the stars asleep, I should have seen the end before it came and temper gripped her with my hate. Tears lay where no tears could have been, when no tears should have shed I let them weep. A blind man burdened with his blame, a fool to mouth apologies too late. I sowed the seeds which grew the doubt, claimed principles from paltry acts; turned rage, false grown, against her light and snuffed what little glimmer stayed. Deaf to the world I flailed about, struck dumb I twirled away from facts and sought the blind mans loss of sight To hide, excuse, each childish turn I made Mine was the reason and the why if truth be bled from lips that lied. She bore the wounds of my disgrace the bruises of my words the silent scar. Time glides evaporating tears we cry untangling the knots this stupid beggar tied, she paints forgiveness on this unfit face and wedges with my shattered mask hope's door ajar. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I like this one . If you had used girl instead of woman in the first stanza, I would have thought it was about a bear attack. Reminds me of Kipling [This message has been edited by chopsticks (01-20-2008 08:24 PM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
I remembered that I read this not long ago. I did not post a reply because that you wrote out the hate well but I may sensed it wrongly. Now I really want to know, since you have posted here, what was the background of this poem so I could understand it better beside the poetic poem itself? If you want to tell?  TM |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: I was just doodling, or whistling as I like to call it. When I get bored I write notebook poems, they’re exercises usually to try out different forms or ideas. Most of them are love lost or melancholy poems because evoking the power of the feelings associated with them is something I need to work on. This particular poem was an attempt at a new rhyme scheme I was playing with. You may also notice that the version you read is slightly different to this one, I dig them out every now and again to re-read and edit them, and sometimes I’ll steal something that works and write something better from the bones. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well, I can't figure out your rhyme scheme, but I did want to say that this is intriguing enough to be the beginning (or ending?) of a fine epic. But then, there's not too much you do I don't like. Well, that last line didn't exactly roll off my tongue...but that's not too much. :_ |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Karen: The rhyme scheme (as I read it) is something like: S1: A-B-C-D S2: A-B-C-D S3: E-F-G-H S4: E-F-G-H S5: I-J-K-L [or A] S6: I-J-K-L [or A] S7: M-N-O-P S8: M-N-O-P S9: Q-R-S-T S10: Q-R-S-T Grinch: I will aim to get back to this later today. Jim |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Grinch: Nice mix of images, but I’m not sure how “grinds her heel … like some medusa” work together. The medusa part I think is both appropriate and complex. Interestingly, the rest of you poem seems to follow – or at least illustrate – a feminist reading of the Medusan myth (i.e., she has become a cultural stereotype of the angry woman and, in some measure, is used to justify violence against women). I’m not saying I agree with the feminist reading – just saying that it is out there. “… pretty lace / could mask …” seems to indicate the speaker has married this “Medusa.” I’d suggest accenting the Medusa image something like this: quote: Also interesting to me … critics of stigmata phenomena argue the wounds are self-inflicted (good choice of title, by the way). Adds an interesting layer to your poem. So, out of the gate, my initial thoughts are “Wow. So many images, each with their own veins of meaning – how is he going to bring it all together?” Something else I want to mention in passing – whether you intended it or not, “too late to side-step, alter pace / to pray the hooks may slip or miss” appear to be a clever mix of structure and word choice. In other words, making your phrases do what the words say or mean. I get the impression, however, that you began struggling with the shortness of each line and, at times, it pinches your narrative. When you go to five or even six stresses per line, you seem to be more at ease with telling the story within the structure you’ve chosen. This is an interesting story – and I think a story with very good possibilities – but I think you need to give yourself the time to develop it. The only exception to this, in my mind, is S4, where I think the form appropriately emphasizes the compression. quote: Amazons … the mythical warrior women of ancient Greece. Wonder Woman. Lynda Carter. These are the images that leap to my mind when I read the word (thanks for evoking memories of Lynda Carter, by the way). Then I remembered that Herodotus called them “man killers,” and it fit. I can’t help but wonder if your writing of this poem coincided with time you were spending reading Thomas. Thomas is notorious for making the reader reach for the meaning. I get the impression you are doing that here. Personally, I like the exercise but no everyone is going to appreciate it. But I’m sure you are aware of this. Up to this point, I liked it. After this … quote: … I started liking it more. This read to me like an antithesis to the “after-the-fact” account in “Porphyria’s Lover.” I would imagine that, after something like this, the speaker’s choices are all-consuming guilt or insanity. Obviously, the speaker took the “all-consuming guilt” route. What precedes is now perceived by the speaker as a thin and false veneer of self-justification. I liked your progression from the speaker’s horror of realization, to “flailing,” to self-loathing. It is here where the shorter lines seem to enhance the poem – seeming to compliment the sudden onset of comprehension, and then you slow us down again in S10. And, yes, I noticed the extra accent in S10/L4 holding the metrical door ajar. All things considered, I really like this. I think S1 through S4 would benefit from longer lines or additional stanzas. Given more time to develop the thinking that led to the speaker’s delusions, I suspect you will go farther toward drawing your reader into the speaker’s delusion. To feel what the speaker is feeling, the reader needs to believe the woman is Medusa incarnate, a man killer, a piranha. Sometimes deception takes time to cultivate. That’s something I think could move this very good poem to great. Jim |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Jim, You got the rhyme scheme correct, as I recall I was trying to fine a scheme that wasn’t ‘in your face’ but still acted as a scaffold. Your comments on the poem are all valid, I’ve pasted them above the poem in the original Word document, the next time I edit I’ll play around with your suggestions. I’ve no idea when that’s likely to be, everything I write seems to be a permanent work in progress, each demanding a re-write. I noticed for instance that under this poem there’s a note suggesting I increase the stanzas to 14 in total to mirror a sonnet and make the realisation of the self-inflicted hate the turn. This may fit well with your suggestion of expanding the first part. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. |
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littledavid Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 75 |
You Lied! You're not a Liar, an Englishman it's true, Your truths have just exposed your lie, the way they always do! I know you're not a liar, for a liar never lies, A liar never feigns remorse when Hope Eternal dies, The eyes of Darkness that you seek, to hide your face from shame, will hide from you forever the lies you cannot Name. The Truth that blindness does reveal, that lives there deep within Expose your truth you name as lies, to cover your False Sin. For you are not a sinner, for sinners never sin, sinners cannot tell the truth, that's why you cannot win. So cast aside your ration, cast off your false pride, and come with me and do a deed to save your truth inside! The mountain Lion kills her prey, with blades that shine like sun, She never lies, nor speaks the truth, from liars she'l not run. Her only truth, there is no sin, there is only shame, will shine her light on all that's right, and Darkness will be Sun! |
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littledavid Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 75 |
Abandon Hope? A witless trope, a use you'l not discern, Until you realize the fire that in your Heart does burn. Cast aside your childish game, and Rise above your shame, release the lies that bind your thoughts, push onwards through the Flame! We have a Noble work to do, a rescue to perform, A heart that's true will follow you and Love will be reborn! |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Could worry stone I like that little blip |
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