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A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

0 posted 2008-03-08 02:46 PM

The wind an icy horde
stabbing sharpened spears
in bitter skin exposed

too long in the cold.
Mind numb, dumb, stumbling
with frost invading nose

and pricking deep
to the core of the brain.
Lungs pumping oxygen;

hard, heavy, painful breaths
bearing half capacity.
Muscles sluggish, lacking

any will to move.
Drowsy, (just a little rest)
stinging, empty, white.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2008-03-09 10:15 AM

A tall subject to be covered in few lines. Welcome to the forum. Don't be discouraged by the slowness of responses. That's just the nature of this group.

The main problem, or area for improvement, that I see is lack of structure. You don't have a single sentence. In effect, it is just a string of adjectives, or adjective phrases. This can be an effective method but somehow, it all needs to be pulled together. Finally making a sentence out of it will do that. Hint: look at all those "ing" words.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

2 posted 2008-03-09 10:56 PM

Pete,

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I see what you mean, and I'll put your advise to use on a re-write.

Much appreciated!
A.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2008-03-09 11:03 PM

I think some of your imagery is interesting, but I also had some issues.

'The wind an icy horde
stabbing sharpened spears
in bitter skin exposed'

I ahve trouble imagining the wind as a 'horde'- I think of the wind more singularly. It might be an interesting idea, pluralizing wind, but you don't explore it here, and it just reads as an innacurracy to me. A little overboard on the alliteration here. And I think 'into' would work better than 'in.'

'too long in the cold.
Mind numb, dumb, stumbling
with frost invading nose'

I enjoyed the enjambment here. 'numb, dumb, stumbling'- again, overboard, and I've heard that phrase enough to almost call it a cliche. 'Frost invading nose' seems odd to me... a descriptor of a nose that invades frost? I know that's not what you mean, but that's how I read it.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2008-03-09 11:06 PM

Sorry, wrong button, I wasn't done.

'and pricking deep
to the core of the brain.
Lungs pumping oxygen;'

I like the enjambment again. I personally have a problem with lungs pumping oxygen- lungs don't pump anything technically. But I'm a nurse, I might be overly critical there.

'hard, heavy, painful breaths
bearing half capacity.
Muscles sluggish, lacking

any will to move.
Drowsy, (just a little rest)
stinging, empty, white.'

The rest of this I like. The descriptions here work for me.

Hope I helped. Welcome to the forum.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2008-03-10 04:25 PM

Have you read Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer? He's the same guy who wrong Into the Wild.

It's probably one of the most emotionally ritveting books I've read in the last few years.

As far as I can tell, it looks like your shooting for a stark style to match a stark environment. This is a good thing, but I wonder if a more personal account might be a better approach. I do think you capture some of the difficulty of the terrain:

quote:
stabbing sharpened spears

Mind numb, dumb, stumbling

Lungs pumping oxygen;

hard, heavy, painful breaths
bearing half capacity.
Muscles sluggish, lacking

But you seem reticent to place your character or characters in the poem itself:

quote:
Drowsy, (just a little rest)
stinging, empty, white.

or perhaps the 'nose' line are the only places I can see a personal viewpoint. If you haven't already, I would suggest reading the above book in order to do that, put your characters in the terrain that you've mapped out.

Good luck.

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

6 posted 2008-03-10 10:06 PM

hush,

Thank you so much for the critique.  You make excellent points.  I think I should perhaps expand on my "wind an icy horde" in the poem.  Because it's not really the wind, but what it carries in it, the hard stinging icy bits of snow that's the horde.

Yeah, the numb, dumb, stumbling was perhaps a bit much!  I'll rephrase the "frost invading nose" to make it clear that it's the frost invading itself into the nose, not the nose the invader.

"lungs pumping oxygen" line was to show how at that altitude, you're working so hard to breathe that it seems to be your lifesource; lungs instead of heart.

Thanks again hush- I appreciate your comments.  (I also thought the "sorry, wrong button" was funny)

A.

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

7 posted 2008-03-10 10:19 PM

Hi Brad,

My husband actually has that book, I haven't had a chance to read it yet (planning on it when I get a little free time -haha). However, the documentaries that I've seen and articles that I've read are just facinating. Brutal place.

You are right on your account of the poem, I did keep it stark, short and choppy- and I distanced any real character from it, made it more of an observation. Perhaps I should make it more from the character's viewpoint.

Thank you very much for your comments, they are appreciated.

A.

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