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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Not titled |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Um I hope this poem isn't to graphic, I did edit the harsher parts out so I think it's good. At least I think I've submitted harsher poems here. The inversion of hope Twisting the desires of the meek Into hate that frees the evils Inside of the weaker minds of man. Enveloped whole- Darkness deeper than a blind mans sleep. How quickly life does fade- But a flip of the river mans coin, Could send you to your grave His yellow Lichen finger, [graphic part] [graphic part] In the pattern of Rorschach's Design. The fleeting after-image As the crash of limbs Hits the ground Is the black and white butterfly; The painting of your bloods design In death. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Treagal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm not sure what to do here. Do me a favor and send the full poem to me.  |
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McMongrel Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17North Carolina, USA |
I think we should post our poems without censorship, particularly if we fist give warning of graphic content. Otherwise we are giving aid to those who would censor our culture. Also, from a practical viewpoint, how do I fully critique a poem I have not read in full? Still, as for what you have here: I think it has some power. I also like the fact that not everything is spelled out. I do not like poems in which everything is laid out on the table. I want to have to do some of the work myself. I assume the boatman is Charon. It might be best to follow some of the rules of grammar unless you have a poetic reason for ignoring them. Example: Man's. Blood's. I am not sure why Charon's finger is referred to as lichen. Does it reference his age? Of course, we don't have to immediately understand all references for a poem to be good. Still, perhaps another hint to move me in the right direction as the reader. I also think it is perfectly acceptable to do some rhyming and some non-rhyming in the same poem. But I wonder, was the rhyming of "fade" and "grave" intentional? Perhaps some more of that could be put in to aid in the flow. Would it work to combine the first two stanzas to draw the words "sleep" and "need" together? Again, not a perfect rhyme, but still suggestive of rhyme. I the end, I liked the poem. |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
I guess I wrote out the "His yellow lichen finger" line wrong, hehe. It should read "The reapers yellow Lichen finger"-- also the "fade" and "grave" rhyme was totally unintentional... But it does add nice flow, I would imagine. Charon is correct, which is made obvious after some research I suppose. I wanted to add the "flip" element as if it's nonchalant and the musings of greater "beings". I sent the full poem to Brad to see if it is to graphic (which I think it is, at least the part I edited). Sigh, The over-all message I believe is with desire, comes weakness. And with weakness comes death knocking on your door. One moment of weakness could spiral you into an unstoppable fight with death (that you will most assuredly loose). And on the way you get to meet awesome adventure pals! Like Charon! Haha well anyways, Thank you for your kind words and thoughts as well. I will keep them in mind when revising this (still have about 1 1/2 months of shelf time before that for me.) |
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Treagal Junior Member
since 2008-01-08
Posts 38 |
Ok, so I got approval. I guess that it's not overly graphic so I will post the whole poem here now. I'm still unsure as far as a title is concerned. I would welcome all to put in their two cents please. Untitled The inversion of hope Twisting the desires of the meek Into hate that frees the evils Inside of the weaker minds of man. Enveloped whole- Darkness deeper than a blind mans sleep. How quickly life does fade- But a flip of the river mans coin, Could send you to your grave His yellow Lichen finger, the chair's been kicked a rope tied to the rafters blue faced and broken necked I sigh. relieving my vision from the sick mocking stare of that hated sun burning the sky slumped like a headless scarecrow cold and limp against the wall blood paints a pattern of Rorschach's design The fleeting after-image As the crash of limbs Hits the ground Is the black and white butterfly; The painting of your bloods design In death. Brad commented on a couple points that I thought were really good. But first as far as the line "slumped like a headless scarecrow" is just describing the limp positioning of a hanged body, not saying it's 'headless in anyway. If anyone has an idea for a variation I would welcome it. As far as changing the tradition, I do know this, I was just trying something new and seeing if it would get me anywhere. Partially I thought it succeeded. Any who, I will rework this with Brad's comments in mind, he is a very kind moderator to be sure . Oh and yeah those last two lines are kind of a 'place-holder' if you will for two lines that got cut off when my muse decided to run off.thanks again for reading and commenting. [This message has been edited by Treagal (03-08-2008 12:33 AM).] |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
"How quickly life does fade- But a flip of the river mans coin, Could send you to your grave His yellow Lichen finger" Just a couple comments on this stanza here. 1. I would change the word order in the first line here. It sounds stilted, and doesn't fit with the rest of your poem which is written in more everyday language. You wouldn't say to a friend 'how quickly life does fade.' Antiquated formality doesn't make poetry. 2. Why is Lichen captitalized? Is this a typo? If you have binomial nomenclature in mind, this isn't the correct use anyways, as you aren't referring to a specific species (not that I suggest at all that you should do that). |
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