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Critical Analysis #2
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stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA

0 posted 2008-03-03 09:07 AM



While Ferris wheel thoughts gather
momentum in the fading light of
a picture book day, she sits.

Her fingers folded like pretzels,
grass windows shut. Dew touches
pane in continuous moisture mourn.

© Copyright 2008 stargal - All Rights Reserved
RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

1 posted 2008-03-03 11:33 AM



There’s an image here trying to develop IMO.  I like “her fingers folded pretzels” which ties back into the “carnival” motif.

Poems like this need great economy and words like “while” just get in the way.
Here’s a revised opening…

Ferris wheel thoughts tumble in the fading light.  

followed by…

Her fingers fold like pretzels as windows open and close.  

Now line breaks that add interest:

Ferris wheel thoughts tumble in the (in the what?)
>>> fading light. Her fingers fold like (like what?)
>>> pretzels as (as what?)
windows open and close.

It would look like this:  

Ferris wheel thoughts tumble in the
fading light. Her fingers fold like  
pretzels as

windows open and close.


“Dew touches pane in continuous moisture mourn” is a confused image and strikes of cliché emotional appeal.

Last, I’d like a close that adds redemption to the sorrow, something like “drops of moisture nourish the grass.”

IMO you have something here to work with --- keep working it and don’t settle for anything less than vivid and compelling images matched with hints of insight and twists along the way.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
2 posted 2008-03-03 12:32 PM


Stagal, It’s like lighting striking lighting my clue don’t have a clue on this one ; but I don’t see a cliché .

What are Ferris wheel thoughts ?

Boy, that was a dumb question “ It’s thoughts about a Ferris wheel “.

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

3 posted 2008-03-03 02:19 PM


IMO “Ferris wheel” is a relatively rich metaphor hinting changing perspectives as the wheel cycles from low to high and back again.  Also the innocence of childhood is inferred along with certain sights and sounds at a “carnival.”  I’m assuming this is what the writer intended, and perhaps more.

The “fingers like pretzels” is a nice continuation of that image with hints towards a certain emotional condition --- bound and tied together…

The “Dew touches pane in continuous moisture mourn” IMO goes way off track and essentially obliterates the wonderful image that was being developed.

That’s my 2 sense of things…

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
4 posted 2008-03-05 11:12 AM


RCat and Chops thank you both for taking the time to comment.

RCat I'll have to consider your suggestions, I think that what you did takes the poem in a different direction then I was wanting.

Chops refer back to RCat about the ferris wheel thoughts, he did a much better job explaining it then I ever could.


chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
5 posted 2008-03-05 12:53 PM


Thanks Stargal ,

I always thought a rich metaphor was a metaphor from Georgia with two simile jacked up on cinder  blocks.

RCat
Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70

6 posted 2008-03-05 01:23 PM


“RCat I'll have to consider your suggestions, I think that what you did takes the poem in a different direction then I was wanting.”

Oh, this is a VERY good one to learn from.  
Let the poem go where it wants to and forget about “planning” and making your point.  The genius within knows far more…

You’re obviously writing about “mixed feelings” and “confusion” (I’m assuming emotionally based) so let the IMAGE(s) convey the story --- don’t force it, but let it paint what it wants to paint.  After the “sketch” is done you can go pack and add detail, or delete repetition, and edit in general.

But the creative arm should NOT be encumbered by what you want it to be!

IMO you have an EXCELLENT opening sketch to develop, so put yourself in that place and describe the sights and sound and smells and whatever dialog fills the air.

~RCat  


McMongrel
Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17
North Carolina, USA
7 posted 2008-03-05 03:39 PM


I like where you put the breaks.

Ferris wheel thoughts can gather in a number of ways. By putting the word "momentum" where you did, you open up further possibilities that can lie at the back of the reader's mind.

I also like the image of Ferris Wheel thoughts, because I get dizzy on Ferris Wheels and thoughts can have the same effect. Dizziness is a different way to view the world. Remember when as a kid you would intentionally spin around to get that weird view of the world as you lay on your back and stared at the clouds?

Another break I liked was
"in the fading light of..."
In the fading light of what? Truth? The day? Life? the Carnival? The next line leads us on, but putting the break where you did makes the poem more complex, as if we were hearing it recited, with the speaker stopping at the breaks to leave us wondering for a moment what might come next. This allows another view to lurk  in the background, giving numerous possible meanings.




[This message has been edited by McMongrel (03-06-2008 01:59 PM).]

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