Reworking - A Cursed Goodbye

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Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

0 posted 2008-01-12 04:52 PM

I was reworking an old poem but I can't seem to get it to work.

Any suggestions apart from deleting it?

-----------------

A Cursed Goodbye

Ribbons round her wrists she dances
Left kicking for the right to be
Answers hang now on decisions
She swayed the wrong way to be free

Does each droplet sad remembrance
Now fall for her or fall for those
Who left to grieve her softly curse
The consequence of how she chose

Watch the tragedy unfolding
They feel her tears yet see them cry
No end to pain or of sorrow
Can ever greet a cursed goodbye

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2008-01-12 09:12 PM

Grinch:

I like this, although I think it could use some punctuation. I could eventually decode the phrases and sentences (I think), but a few commas or periods would have helped.

quote:
Ribbons round her wrists she dances
Left kicking for the right to be
Answers hang now on decisions
She swayed the wrong way to be free

I wasn't quite sure how to interpret ribbons. I can see them as representing the streamers you often see in coordinated dances, or perhaps wounds from self-multilation. In any event, it appears that the dance is a metaphor for living life. I like the play on left/right/wrong/free.

quote:
Does each droplet sad remembrance
Now fall for her or fall for those
Who left to grieve her softly curse
The consequence of how she chose

The sentence doesn't seem to make sense. I read this like: "Does each droplet sad remembrance now fall for her, or fall for those who left to grieve her softly curse the consequence of how she chose."

Maybe:

Does each droplet sad remembrance
Fall for her or those she left to
Softly curse the consequence of
How she chose, leaving them to grieve.

I'm not crazy about the last line of my suggestion, but I think it clears up the sentence structure issues. In any event, I don't think you need to repeat "fall for" twice in such a tight line. I recommend you shorten that line, keep the trochaic rhythm, and see how you might be able to nail the last line down.

quote:
Watch the tragedy unfolding
They feel her tears yet see them cry
No end to pain or of sorrow
Can ever greet a cursed goodbye

"No end to pain or of sorrow" is an unfortunate line. Nearly half your line is taken up by "to/or/of." My thesaurus is in a box somewhere, but maybe you can find a word that combines the meanings of "pain" and "sorrow" ... the last line, however, is solid.

Thanks for the read. Hope some of this was useful.

Jim

TomMark
Member Elite

since 2007-07-27

Posts 2133
LA,CA

2 posted 2008-01-12 09:40 PM

You are not in the mood!

"But when the candle dips and flutters
Lullabies into my eyes
Don’t leave me lying, crying, dying
In a pool of your goodbyes"
---Highland Fling

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2008-03-05 12:47 PM

Hi Grinch!  Van Dyke, as in "Joyful joyful we adore thee,?"  Or Beethoven ala Grinch?

I keep trying to read this, but I can't stop smiling and whistling.  Which are hard to do at the same time. :0

Jimbeaux

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

4 posted 2008-03-05 03:42 PM

Similar tune I’ll give you that, I hadn’t noticed until you pointed it out.

Now I can't stop whistiling while reading.

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