Epitaph - On Ms. Marion - pipTalk Forums

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Critical Analysis #2

Epitaph - On Ms. Marion

Fareed
Member

since 2008-02-08

Posts 75

0 posted 2008-02-26 07:29 AM

The highland girl who died in her blossom – on the fourth day of August.
Here rests but a merry lass,
Hushed, once days did pass,
Whose laughter led veteran tear,
Aforesaid damsel sleeps here.

O’er Alps, under sugarberry,
Wailed by this forlorn prairie,
Certain, for her being blest,
Foremost angels shall manifest.

Lived under virtues so many,
The comeliest belle than any,
Alas, what fate had to bring,
For who lacked the seraphic ring.

What Nordic maid left above,
Torn asunder tales of calf love,
Brace of sapphires, in truth,
Eyed by many unheard-of youth.

O’ high winds, why ye repine?
When ‘tis low among alpines,
Yon, whence the bells didn’t toll,
Ye, not the sorriest of them all.

Eventide dies, I yet inscribe,
Unforeseen role, sans my bagpipe,
Words, grim to engrave in rain,
As I shroud my tone, in vain.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2008-03-01 03:09 PM

The first line was good.

I think the rest gets caught up in forced rhyme and forced archaic speech patterns. Maybe I'm biased... not a huge fan of rhyme (especially couplets in an epitaph??) and I'm not a fan at all of imitations of historical speaking patterns.

Sorry I couldn't be more help, my main suggestion would be a major reconsideration of rhyme and just to use a more natural language. Like I said... that might just be me... maybe someone else has more constructive things to say...

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

2 posted 2008-03-01 04:55 PM

Sorry but this comes off riddled with pretension and dubious Shakespearian parroting.

A’las’, ‘tis the language of irrelevance.

Perhaps text messaging would work better?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2008-03-01 07:31 PM

Have you tried to write this in a different form?

Fareed
Member

since 2008-02-08

Posts 75

4 posted 2008-03-04 12:50 PM

No, not really Brad.

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