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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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For Sale: Hemi Priestess (revised) |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
On his daily drive home Jim spots her at the red light. Her feral lines and cat back curves massage his odometer re- verse twenty-years (turns on green parks the accord opening the door). Her candy apple skin teases him closer, as a growl voice pokes within; “more, more (this is exactly what we’ve always wanted and) more!” His mind slams---but as they say in Nagasaki, she’s a terroir scorching mid-life bomb. And the desire for hemispherical piston tension blows the hub caps off reliable rides at home. “You’re lookin’ at a classic American hotrod dude (the salesman winks) right down to her 8-cylinders pumping big for daddy!” “Really,” Jim nods on cruise control, scanning her Himalayan inspired slope and Brazilian shaved rear---staring the (chrome dual groaning asphalt shredding) traction implied on her wing. “She’s got killer horsepower with a torque curve eager to crush your heart like an elephant! Cornering that door-slams your head clean off, and (pointing the cockpit) le grand esprit to hang your skull on the rear view mirror!” “Impressive,” examines the sticker while reaching his pocket, “That’s quite the destination charge, perhaps (subliminally handing over his keys) a minivan is more for me?” (signs on the dotted) “Damn right!” knuckle butts with the salesman, “there’s nothing on the street like this!” Turns the key, her tiger leather muscle scent grips, flexes in gear, winks a flash of jet rumble arcs twisting straight to redline. Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter ever again. “…found her rolled near interstate 5.” No passengers reported alive, only a laptop on the seat with every file deleted. <<>> |
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| © Copyright 2008 RCatino - All Rights Reserved | |||
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A.Grace Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31 |
Hi RCat, I read this, then went back to your original post and WOW- quite an expansion and improvement. I really liked this, I could picture the man looking her over, should he/shouldn't he?, then desire winning, all to a tragic end. You wove a good tale, it kept my interest, and it flowed well. This was my favorite stanza: His mind slams---but as they say in Nagasaki, she’s a terroir scorching mid-life bomb. And the desire for hemispherical piston tension blows the hub caps off reliable rides at home. That was fantastic! Jim never made it home that night, or for that matter ever again. “…found her rolled near interstate 5.” No passengers reported alive, only a laptop on the seat with every file deleted. This last stanza however, left me feeling somewhat disappointed. I think it's the wording up to the part "...found her rolled near interstate 5." I liked that, but not the wording "or for that matter ever again" for some reason I feel that could be better. Perhaps even changing the "ever again" to "evermore"? Anyway, loved it. It was original and refreshing to read. A. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
Thanks for the feedback. Yea, I agree about the ending. [This message has been edited by RCat (03-05-2008 05:41 PM).] |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
I posted "unedited" in adult section... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
In all honesty, I think I liked the original better. It seems to me like you've gone from being too abrupt to overdoing it. You've added a good line here and there, but then you have others (e.g., "8-cylinders pumping big for daddy" and knuckle butts) that cancel them out. Sorry. To my ear, you pimped this ride a little too much. Didn't work for me. I'd suggest you strip it down, chisel away at the out-fo-control hyperbole and bad dialogue and start over. Jim |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
It's restyled more as a "prose poem" with more attention to inner details and such -- which obviously may or may not work for certain given tastes. By all means feel free to use your eraser and show me exactly what cuts etc. you'd impart? At this point it's a very morphic piece that can go in pretty much any direction. Thanks. |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
By the way, "8-cylinders pumping big for daddy" is NOT in the last revision here. I've revised that section even further and will overlay it on the above if you care to read it. As far as "knuckle butts," I like the image and feel it adds to the flow (as in the deal is done and it's a mini celebration). I know it's a tad "clunky" but that's intended at that point. It's a clunky moment... |
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